Marriage, Divorce, and Christianity

Last Sunday as we continued our sermon series through the Gospel of Matthew, we focused on Matthew 19:1-12. The issue of divorce is something  that is often tip-toed around in the church, for fear of offending someone or eliminating leadership within the church body. When the church becomes more therapeutic than gospel-focused, often the hard teachings of Christ are either ignored or avoided. 

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As I have ruminated on the message from Sunday, which is now available on podcast, our website and app, I believe this is a major issue for Christians today. So...some points from the message...

We can rightly say in our nation today the two elements, though legal for years, that ultimately have impacted families and communities most negatively are abortion-on-demand and no-fault divorce. (TWEET THIS)

No one avoids the impact of divorce in our culture. Everyone knows someone - family member, co-worker, fellow student, friend, or self who has either been divorced. The pain is real and yet, the church has a responsibility to address divorce, just as Christ did. There are ultimately two things the church must do when addressing divorce among Christians. David Platt reminds us of these two elements in his commentary on the Gospel of Matthew. The church must...

  1. Comfort in love
  2. Confront with truth

Unfortunately, the church sometimes misses one element and focuses on the other. To comfort without confrontation is to ignore the teachings of Christ and the holiness of God and his design for marriage. To confront without comfort is to slide into legalism which celebrates punishment while ignoring biblical discipline.

REALITY FOR DIVORCEES IN CHURCH

When it comes to church and divorce, many fellowships have been fractured. Old church photo directories reveal that those smiling couples in the posed Olan Mills images are no longer together. This creates tension in the church as newly divorced man or woman may struggle with where to go to Sunday School. For those who have been part of the couples class for years, they now wonder if they're welcome. While they likely will be, the very real feeling of "I don't belong" develops. Even churches with solid, vibrant single adult ministries often discover a challenge of actually reaching out and welcoming those who, by no choice of their own, are now single because of divorce. Others may have issues of remaining friends with both parties, or neither. This has been echoed by many since Sunday. If the couple was friends with another and then they go through divorce, the dynamic is gone and there's tension where there wasn't before.

Lost sheep are often created due to such.

The church may not respond as many expect, if at all.

Sometimes, the divorcee feels the need to either quit church or go elsewhere simply because he or she just doesn’t want to answer “Where’s your spouse?” question any longer from the many who apparently didn’t notice the ring was no longer on the finger. This, too, is not just an imagined occurrence. It happens. It has happened.

Often when a Christian is contemplating divorce he/she first contacts a divorce lawyer. No disrespect to my family lawyer friends and church members, but this represents a tragic reality. Biblical counsel should be sought. At times, one or both of the spouses may be unwilling. Yet, reconciliation remains the first goal.

CONFUSING DEFINITIONS OF MARRIAGE

Things that seemed certain for generations have been questioned. Some debated. Others changed. As we look to the only word that has remained unchanged, inerrant, and useful for teaching, we see Jesus confronting the very same thing in the first century that must be addressed in the 21st century.

Cultural norms do not determine truth. (TWEET THIS)

Regarding marriage, once you strip away politics, dumbed down definitions, and varying developments regarding redefinition, it is declared to be true in God’s Word that God is the one who defined marriage. It was not defined by cultural norms. It was not created as a way to fulfill treaties. Marriage was not just the legal affirmation of a union of two (or more) people.

When the Pharisees, who were legalists in many areas, sought to trap Jesus once more with Bible questions, asked about marriage and divorce, they were attempting to trap him or lead him into saying something that could be used against him as they planned his downfall.

Yet, his answer to the question “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” is met with wisdom and biblical affirmation.

In case you didn’t catch the key phrase here “for any cause” – that’s the first century version of no-fault divorce.

God created marriage. He defined it as being between one man and one woman. While there are numerous occasions, especially in the Old Testament where polygamy is seen, even among the faithful, do not mistake that God’s design and desire is for one man – one woman for life. Sinful men have messed that model up from the beginning.

Jay Adams, one of the preeminent biblical counselors today shared this in his book Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible

If marriage were of human origin, then human beings would have a right to set it aside. But since God instituted marriage, only he has the right to do so. Marriage as an institution is subject to the rules and regulations set down by God. Individuals may marry, be divorced, and be remarried only if, when and how, he says they may without sinning. The state has been given the task of keeping orderly records, but it has no right or competence to determine the rules for marriage and for divorce. That’s God’s prerogative.

The healthy Christian marriage is not only something defined by God, but described by God as a covenant relationship. This is much deeper than a contract and while breakable for a small category of reasons, even then it should be avoided if at all possible.

THE LIE OF "FALLING OUT OF LOVE"

The modern understanding of marriage is that of an agreement that will begin at a wedding and last until one of the spouses “falls out of love.”

Falling out of love is a ridiculous concept. It’s not a biblical reason. It’s not even a biblically viable truth. The only reason “falling out of love” is deemed real is because humanity has worked for centuries to excuse and justify sin and when marriage is viewed as a partnership that will remain only as long as I “feel” loved and appreciated, by my own definitions of those words, I’ll remain married. Otherwise, get out and start over.

“I just don’t love her anymore” has been said far too many times by Christian men whom should be smart enough not to even think that.

Love is a choice.

Love is a commitment.

Love for husband and wife, regardless of how one feels, should be the one thing that can be counted on.

Yet, it’s not.

WHAT IS MARRIAGE?

Marriage is the uniting of two sinners in a holy, covenant relationship for the glory of God. This union is attacked by Satan from the get go. There’s no “honeymoon” when it comes to spiritual attack.

Divorce is always the result of sin.

Divorce is almost always sinful. There's a qualifier here for the very few times that God allows it. Yet, even in the allowance, there should be hope for reconciliation. 

BUT, BUT, BUT...

There are so many questions that result from this passage. Questions like “Is it infidelity if…?” and “What about abuse?” and “What if my needs aren’t being met?” and so on.

There are allowances for divorce, but perhaps as the Pharisees asked the question, we see ourselves asking the same. And this is where we’re wrong to start. Maybe the question shouldn’t be “What are the allowances for divorce?” and should be “What are the ways of reconciliation?”

OUR PRAYER

Our prayer is for... 

  • the single, never married adult
  • the divorcee and still single
  • the one who was cheated on and left
  • the one who cheated and left
  • the couple who live in the same house, but separately because it’s cheaper
  • the couple who are faithful now, but have chapters in their past including divorce and exes
  • the couple living together (sinfully) acting like they’re married, but not
  • the senior adult couple living together acting married, but not because they don't want to lose their Social Security benefits
  • the couple who are married, faithful, and together

...Remember that God created marriage, designed it to be holy and glorifying to Him. Love is a choice. If you have made sinful choices, repent of those and seek forgiveness. For the married husband and wife - stay faithful to God and each other.

It is not easy to be holy, but it is doable through Christ.

May all our relationships honor God and bring him glory. 


Revered and Reviled - the Life, Death, and Impact of Hugh Hefner

Hugh Hefner is trending because Hugh Hefner has died.

News reported this morning that the founder of Playboy Enterprises died last night at the age of 91. 

Hefner has been an iconic individual in western culture since the 1950s when launched the first issue of Playboy magazine. The first issue featured Marilyn Monroe (whom Hefner never met) on the cover in a photo from her 1949 nude calendar shoot. That issue sold 50,000 copies and a new industry of acceptable and easily-accessible pornography was born.

Photo credit: Alan Light via Visual hunt /  CC BY
Photo credit: Alan Light via Visual hunt / CC BY

Hefner's biography has been told in snippets, documentaries, and streaming mini-series, but most remember the image he portrayed as a playboy (go figure) who wore silk pajamas all day, surrounded himself with beautiful women, had numerous girlfriends, lived in a mansion, created the Playboy bunny imagery, and developed an entertainment empire that amazingly is now considered mainstream by many in the culture.

The son of traditionally conservative midwestern parents became a voice for sexual freedom as a revolution took hold. Yet, as tweets and statements of thanks fill social media today with people attempting to be humorous by thanking Hef for all the "articles" in his magazine, it is with deep sadness that as a Christian I heard of his passing.

Dr. Russell Moore says it well (full article here)

The death of any person is a tragedy. Hugh Hefner is no exception to that. We can’t, though, with his obituaries, call his life “success” or “a dream.”

There is no doubt that the pornification (a word borrowed from Pamela Paul's book Pornified) of America and western society has harmed individuals and families and continues to do so. When Hefner and others pushed against the boundaries of decency, cultural outrage was high...and now, what was once deemed as harmful is considered "no big deal" by many. 

Pornography is a $50 billion industry (and that's a conservative estimation) and with the pushing of boundaries, it became newsworthy with Playboy announced just a few years ago that they would no longer feature nude imagery not for moral reasons, but as was stated in an article featured in The Week at the time:

The decision was made by top editors and founder Hugh Hefner, who agreed that Playboy and its nude women don't pack the same punch they did when the magazine launched 62 years ago. 

Nevertheless, Playboy has gone back to nudes. It seems that the shock of clothed women in magazines wasn't as profitable as originally expected.

Every Man Has a Story

The stories about Hefner and Playboy keep trending today. From references to his many girlfriends, the launch of his Playboy Clubs, his arrest for breaking decency laws, to appearances in The Simpsons, references in Iron Man movies, and the mainstreaming of the grandfather-figure who lived carefree and without boundaries. 

Yet, at some point, from the biblical worldview, we must concede that the image presented publicly was likely not the full story. It never is.

A number of years ago Karen Covell and her husband Jim found their calling in Hollywood. Jim is a composer for film and television. Karen is a producer. As followers of Christ in the entertainment Mecca, they seek to live as lights in the darkness.

It was a number of years ago when Karen was hired as an associate producer for Headliners and Legends with Matt Lauer. The show aired on MSNBC and featured interviews with some of the individuals who had proven instrumental in shaping culture. Karen mentioned that her desire was to start by featuring an interview with Dr. Billy Graham. She was overruled and her first feature would focus on Hugh Hefner. I shared of this encounter at a men's retreat a number of years ago. Here's the story of Karen's encounter with Hefner:

Karen’s first reaction, “It really disturbed me.  I came home to Jim and I said, 'I don’t think I can do this.’  Jim sat and looked at me and said, ‘You know, you need to start praying right now for Hugh Hefner and for the opportunity God is going to give you.'"

Karen felt like she’d been hit by a ton of bricks.  After all, Paul went to Athens and Corinth, the seat of pagan influence and sexuality in his day, why should she run from the Playboy Mansion?  And so, the next day while talking to Rick, her producer, Karen took the risk of sharing the conversation she and her husband had had the night before, knowing he might not understand or support her perspective, her jaw dropped when he responded, "You know, I’ve struggled with this - doing this interview."  Together, as producer and associate producer, Rick and Karen decided to develop a different slant on the story.  They would focus, not simply on Hefner’s successes and renown, but on why he became who he did.  After all, everybody has a story. 

When the day of the interview arrived, they sat down with Hugh Hefner and the producer asked questions based on their research.  What were Hefner’s parents like?  What was his upbringing?  What characterized the early days of his life?  Imagine the shocked crew, listening as Hefner began to pour out how he had been raised in a puritan home of religious tradition.  His parents believed in God, but not a God of grace, love or compassion.  Theirs had been a rigid religion.  They never told Hefner, nor his brother, ever, that they loved him.  His mother never kissed him because she  wanted to avoid germs.   And so, Hefner set out to find love wherever he could.  With dry eyes, Hefner recalled how his parents had given him a blanket, when he was a child.  His security blanket.  He painted a very vivid picture going to bed at night, hugging his blanket, the only thing he had to hug, the only thing that returned any warmth.  The blanket was bordered with bunnies.  It became his bunny blanket.  Hefner recounted how, as a boy, he always wanted a puppy.  But his parents, especially his mother, said that dogs spread germs, so there couldn’t be one in their house.  It was only after they discovered a tumor in Hefner’s ear, that they thought they would finally buy Hefner a dog.  No one could have predicted, however, that the dog would unexpectedly die after just five days.  Hefner recalled how he wrapped his dying dog in his bunny blanket as a means to comfort the puppy.  But when they puppy died, his mother buried the dog and burned the blanket.  Both, sources of his deepest comfort, were suddenly gone.

And then he said very matter of fact, “I guess I’m still just that little boy, trying to find love.”  

Karen said, "The room was hushed in silence as we all sat and listened to this famous man pour out his story.  We realized the gaping void that had existed deep in this man’s soul.  He went on to tell us that every Friday night, he gets together with close friends and watches old romantic movies because he’s still searching for the love that he never had. I realized that this man had confused sex with love and had turned a desperate need, into a way of making money." 

It was after that interview that she had the privilege of writing Mr. Hefner a letter.  “I thanked him for the opportunity to tell his story.  I thanked him for time he allowed us to get to know him better.  I told him that in spite of all he had accomplished, I still believed there was one thing still missing in his life.  He hadn’t met a loving God and did not know him personally.  And so, I challenged him to seek him out. 

I was amazed when, two weeks later, he wrote me back. He thanked me for the interview that he said he enjoyed very much and he would consider my words.  That following Christmas, after running into him again, I gave him a beautiful Bible with his name on the front.” 

Now does that necessarily mean that’s going to change Hefner’s life?  No.  But what it does mean, is that the Covells understand what it means to be salt and light in the workplace. (story from Bob Reccord and Randy Singer's book Made to Count)

Many stories and responses today regarding Hefner's death will continue to enter the public discourse. There are those who revere him. There are those who revile him. Yet, as I read Karen's account, I'm reminded that every person has a story. Each person's story reveals a gap, an emptiness. Clearly only Christ can fill that need.

Even for Hugh Hefner. He was a man who lived with a deep father wound. A wounded man who sought healing and peace in places that led to deeper wounds. 

Hefner was no different than anyone else. And, as far as we know, he did not respond to the free gift (not just the Bible, but the message within.) 

And for that we can grieve.

Click here for the MSNBC feature referenced.


Could False Humility Simply Be Pride?

Most of us know that humility is a virtue to be sought. Scripture has numerous verses that speak of the humble heart and humility. 

For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. - Luke 14:11

But what about false humility? 

What about low self-esteem?

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We all know people who cannot take a compliment, right? You tell them "Hey you look really nice today" and their immediate response is "Oh, no I don't." Kind of leaves you wanting to never offer a compliment to them again.

I've been reading Chris Brauns excellent book Unpacking Forgiveness. The focus of the book is forgiveness (duh?) but one section speaks of the dangers of pride and how often we all succumb to this sin, even when we don't realize it. The following is taken from page 81.

Be humble. Pretty simple, right? True, it is an easy point to understand conceptually. But it is a different one to live out. People laughed in the 1970s when Mac Davis sang, "Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way. I can't wait to look in the mirror 'cause I get better looking each day." The song was so blatantly arrogant that it was funny. But the reality is, true humility can be very elusive. Granted, most do not sing with Mac Davis that they get better looking each day. More commonly, people complain about their looks. And while it may sound more humble than bragging about their looks, complaining about them is every bit as self-centered.

Therein lies an important point. Pride is  not limited to arrogance or cockiness; it is not just an inflated opinion of oneself. Pride is any way of putting self into the central focus. This distinction is critical because if we understand it, we can identify more subtle, more insidious kinds of pride. In addition to arrogance or conceit, pride might express itself in any of the following ways:

  • ARE YOU OVERLY CRITICAL? Discernment is a good thing (Philippians 1:9-11; Romans 12:1-2). But discerning people sometimes go a step too far in feeling the need to critique everything. Pride is the root problem.
  • ARE YOU INSECURE? Insecurity often betrays a person too narrowly focused on self?
  • ARE YOU SHY? For instance, are you unwilling to pray in front of others? Why is that? Is it because your central concern is how you will appear in front of others?
  • ARE YOU OVERLY SENSITIVE? People who are too sensitive sometimes imagine criticisms when they have not even been given because they center too much on themselves.
  • DO YOU TEND TO PRESUME UPON OTHERS? Are you slow to meet with others or to follow through? Do you do poorly at returning phone calls? Any of those may reflect a tendency to elevate self.
  • ARE YOU IMPATIENT WITH THE SHORTCOMINGS OF OTHERS? Do you ever get frustrated and use the phrase, "I don't have time for this"? Who does not have time?
  • DO YOU FIND YOURSELF EASILY EMBARRASSED BY FRIENDS OR FAMILY?  This may indicate that you are too concerned with how others make you appear. (Of course, it could be your family and friends are embarrassing people and seek to do this to you - DT)
  • ARE YOU GIVEN TO WORRY? Worry may betray self-reliance (or at least relying on someone other than God.).

Some will read this section and immediately go on the defensive, but read carefully and think about what is here. The convictional thoughts that came to my mind centered around the revelation of pride in my own life as it was disguised as something less sinister. 

Perhaps if you're overly negative and continually frustrated about how everyone else behaves, or even how you look when you walk by the mirror, consider the reality that the sin of pride may be disguising itself as humility, self-deprecation, or even personal rights.


Identity Is Who You Are, Not What You Do #Rio2016

It is the time when many around the world become fans of sports they never watch at other times, and sometimes didn't even know existed. The Rio Olympics are garnering large viewing audiences and even with all the controversies surrounding Zika, green diving pools, drugged up Russians, jailed Olympic athletes, and NBC's decision to air women's gymnastics after the event actually happened, there have been some really incredible stories. Here are just a few...

First - Michael Phelps

Seriously! I was talking to my mother a couple of weeks ago and she said "Michael Phelps is going back to the Olympics. I wonder if he will be able to compete at his age (the ripe old age of 31) as he did in the last Olympics?" Well, that question has been answered and once everyone figured out why he had circular bruises all over his back (I thought the Salt Vampire from Star Trek got to him) he, at this writing, has earned his 21st Olympic gold medal.

Let that sink in for a moment.

21.

Gold.

Medals.

I remember when Mark Spitz's feat was deemed unmatchable and when Carl Lewis' 9 gold medals seemed amazing! Well, those accomplishments still are, but seriously - 21 gold medals. At this point, Jason Momoa should retire and Phelps should play Aquaman in the new Justice League movie. 

Second - Oksana Chusovitina

Have you heard of this gymnast? She's 41 years old and competing in the Olympics! She is representing Uzbekistan.

41.

Years.

Old.

Yeah, she has competed in seven Olympic games. She has a 17-year-old son. She has a son who is older than US gymnast Laurie "Human Emoji" Hernandez.

I'm not cheering for Uzbekistan, but I can't help but cheer for Oksana.

Third - Katie Ledecky

Another US swimmer. Katie has won 3 medals at this point (2 gold and 1 silver.) This 6', 19-year-old has an infectious smile and is dominating in the pool. 

There will be more stories to hit the headlines and men and women who are basically unknown now who will become nationally and internationally known in just a short time. 

Fourth - Synchronized Diving

Like I said, there are many sports in the Olympics that I never really watch or follow, but every four years find myself becoming a fan. One such sport is men's synchronized diving. These guys are incredible athletes, but honestly, this has never been a sport I've followed. It's definitely not a "money-sport" for local colleges and universities. Yet, a few days ago, I was watching this as two American athletes competed for a medal.

The Chinese team won gold. They tend to dominate in the diving competitions. They are amazing.  They jump off the platform, spin in mid-air and then, go into the pool without even making a splash, it seems. I made bigger splashes throwing pieces of bread into ponds for ducks to eat when I was a kid.

Boudia
Reuters

The American duo of David Boudia and Steele Johnson (that may be the best name of any Olympic athlete) earned the silver medal. Their dives were incredible. It is obvious that hours and hours of practice go into perfecting these skills. Yet, it wasn't the diving or even the medal win that made these guys different. It was the post-dive interview. When asked by NBC reporter Kelli Stavast what it meant to medal in the synchronized event, David said...

There's been an enormous amount of pressure. I've felt it. It's just an identity crisis. When my mind is on this [diving], and I'm thinking I'm defined by this, then my mind goes crazy. But we both know that our identity is in Christ, and we're thankful for this opportunity to be able to dive in front of Brazil and in front of the United States. It's been an absolutely thrilling moment for us.

Steele agreed and added...

The way David just described it was flawless – the fact that I was going into this event knowing that my identity is rooted in Christ and not what the result of this competition is just gave me peace ... and it let me enjoy the contest. If something went great, I was happy. If something didn't go great, I could still find joy because I'm at the Olympics competing with the best person, the best mentor – just one of the best people to be around. God's given us a cool opportunity, and I'm glad I could come away with an Olympic silver medal in my first-ever event.

And that was aired live on NBC. Clear, concise, and not cheesy. Full article on Christian Examiner here.

Boudia has been speaking openly of his faith in Christ for years and even co-authored a book with Tim Ellsworth, Greater Than Gold.

In the midst of an event that places people on the international stage, David and Steele stated a clear reality that every person faces. Identity. When one's identity is founded on what one can do, there will come a day when that activity will end. Even the 41-year-old gymnast will eventually retire from competition (we think.) David and Steele may never compete in an Olympics together again, yet at this moment, David spoke truth that hopefully will resonate with all. 

As followers of Christ, our identity is rooted in him. It is for his glory that we do all we do. It is for his glory that we exist.

I was encouraged by these men's words. This was deeper than just quoting Philippians 4:13.

I am still not really a synchronized diving fan, though I will watch. I must say that I am a fan of these guys, though. Congrats!

 

 


A Rite of Passage for Junior High Boys

Nine years ago a school administrator and two teachers began a mentoring club at one of our local junior high schools for boys, simply put, who had little to no father influence and were getting into trouble in class.  This administrator, John Green is the founder of the group and eventually became principal of the school. He is now serving on the leadership staff at Seamark Ranch, a local ministry with group homes for children in need.

The mentoring group continues to meet, and currently has chapters at three local junior high schools. Our clubs (RealStuff Clubs) focus on leading young men into REAL Manhood that…

  • Rejects passivity
  • Expects the greater reward
  • Accepts responsibility, and
  • Leads courageously. 

As a ministry of our church, we provide male mentors for these young boys. Our groups meet for one hour a week, prior to school in a room reserved on the campus. We abide by the law regarding student leadership and faculty sponsorship (Equal Access Act) to ensure no false allegations of “separation of church and state” have any grounding. We teach sessions on what it means to be a real man, using characters from the Bible and ultimately Jesus Christ as our perfect model.

Each year, as the culmination of our club meetings, we host a “Knighting Ceremony” where 7th graders are “knighted” into the journey of authentic manhood before their peers and family members. Each 7th grader receives a Bible as a gift. Our 8th graders receive the cross pendant from Band of Brothers ministry.

In the past, our mentors were the “knighters” and the presenters of the pendants. However, we now affirm that the ones who need to be doing this are the boys’ fathers (or grandfathers, or other significant male.) As mentors, we gladly stand in the gap for boys who have no father figure in their lives. Yet, for those with fathers, we focus on helping them learn how to do this vital rite of passage.

DSCF9066

So, this year, with over 250 in attendance (boys, parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.) our young men were charged with the code of being a real man, then their fathers were invited up to knight them (7th graders) or present the pendant (8th graders.) The fathers of 7th graders knighted these boys in the “name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit” and welcomed them into this fraternity called real manhood. The fathers of the 8th graders presented the pendant and then in their ear, spoke a word of blessing that included these key phrases “I love you! You have what it takes!” plus anything else they desired to say.

DSCF9108

It was a momentous evening and while it was focused on the boys, it truly was a night to remember for these fathers. For some, it was the first time they had spoken such words to their sons. Many had never heard their own fathers say such things. It was a divine rite of passage and we seek to provide support for them along the journey.

Group


Why "I Don't Love Him/Her Anymore" Is Not a Valid Reason to End a Marriage

As a pastor, I have had the great privilege of counseling married couples over the years. In some cases, marriages have seemingly been hanging by a thread. Others have experienced great betrayal and pain. Some just need encouragement to press on. Yet, there are some that eventually unravel regardless of counsel and prayer, by the willful decisions made by the offender or the offended.

While there are many reasons (and sometimes just excuses offered) as to why a marriage is over offered by a couple, a very common phrase that I have heard is "I just don't love him/her anymore." And to that, I often respond with "Okay, so now tell me why you think you have a right to end your marriage." And the confused look on the face of the one seeking to leave the marriage reveals that he/she thought the "I don't love my spouse anymore" was a valid reason. 

Old-couple-on-bridge

Years ago, I heard Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott share about the three types of love that are needed for sustaining marriage.  They refer to the findings of Dr. Robert J. Sternberg, a psychologist previously at Yale University and now Professor of Human Development at Cornell University. His "Triangular Theory of Love" postulates that love can be understood in terms of three components that together may be viewed as a triangle.

These three components are passion, intimacy, and commitment.

Triangle-theory-love

The Parrotts explain this well this way...

  • Passion – the biological part of love: This it the spine-tingling sensation that moves us toward romance. It starts with our hormones. It’s sensual and sexual, characterized by physiological arousal and an intense desire for affection. The Song of Songs, for example, celebrates the physical love between a man and a woman in passion-filled poetry: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth — for your love is more delightful than wine” (Song of Songs 1:2).
  • Intimacy – the emotional part of love: Love without intimacy is only a hormonal illusion. You can’t desire another person over the long haul without really knowing that person. Intimacy has a “best friend” or “soul mate” quality about it. We all want someone who knows us better than anyone else — and still accepts us. And we want someone who holds nothing back from us, someone who trusts us with personal secrets. Intimacy fills our heart’s deepest longings for closeness and acceptance.
  • Commitment – the willful part of love: Commitment looks toward a future that cannot be seen and promises to be there — until death. “Without being bound to the fulfillment of our promises,” writes philosopher Hannah Arendt, “we would be condemned to wander helplessly in the darkness of each person’s lonely heart.” Commitment creates a small island of certainty in the swirling waters of uncertainty. As the mooring of marriage, commitment secures love for our partner when passion burns low and intimacy wanes. Commitment says, “I love you because you are you, not because of what you do or how I feel.” (full article here)

As I talked to a young couple this week in premarital counseling, I shared this information. I shared that the if you grade these on a scale of 1 - 10, that there are times you will be a 10 out of 10 on the passion scale, but not always. There will be days you are a 10 out of 10 on the intimacy scale, but again, not always. Then, there's the commitment, or willful, scale. There are days you can be 10 out of 10 on this one. The difference is that on this scale, it's your choice. This is the willful determination to love. This is the realization that love is a choice.

So, when a person says "I just don't love him/her anymore" it is a statement of will. It is a choice. It is not a feeling. And, understanding this reality, no man or woman is given biblical grounds for disavowing the "commitment" scale (or to put it another way, to disavow the vow) regarding marital love.

Oh, and by the way, if the husband and wife wake up one day and discover that they're a 10 out of 10 on the commitment scale (which should be every day), a 10 out of 10 on the intimacy scale, and a 10 out of 10 on the passion scale...that's a good day to call in to work and take a personal day. That day is going to be a good, romantic day!

 


The Bachelor Tells Two Women He Loves Them...But What Type of Love?

So, last night the final episode of the latest installment of "The Bachelor" aired. Don't ask me why I know this or why I know what happened on the show, but suffice to say...I was in the room and it was on and though I was working hard creating my submission for the Dallas Mavericks "design the new court" challenge, I could not help but hear and see some of this orchestrated "romance" aired live for all.

SPOILER ALERT

Just so you know, the dude who was the designated bachelor actually told two of the members of his harem that he loved them! Then, he had to tell one of the ladies that he loved her, but was picking the other. Apparently, this is unheard of in relationship reality television. I couldn't help but think that if this show merged with "Sister Wives" he could pick all of them, move to a western state and marry them all. In fact, once polygamy is deemed legal in the future through a Supreme Court ruling (mark my words - it's coming) this will undoubtedly become the new TLC reality show - "Sister Fiancées."

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LOVE ON "THE BACHELOR"

I could not help but notice how the word "love" was being used in this show.

It reminded me of a message I heard years ago by Chap Clark. I've shared this reality of love with couples during premarital counseling and with teenagers.

When the bachelor dude tells a woman that he loves her, the question is "What type of love?"

Love has many meanings in English. Love can mean such varied things as a feeling for a favorite food to an expression of devotion. However, what has become epidemic in our culture when it comes to relationships and love, is the attempted building of solid relationships on the WRONG TYPE OF LOVE!

While there are many types of love, I'll just focus on two forms as defined by their Greek terms. One is EROS and the other is AGAPE. Now, if you've been in church for any length of time, you've probably heard of agape. This is the love that God shows us. It's unmerited and solid, never-changing. In fact, it is agape that is the love reserved for a person. It is this type of love that husband-wife relationships should be built upon. When not, relationship issues and even divorce often result.

Eros would be a type of love reserved for an object. This is the love that a person would have for a car, an outfit, a movie or even food. 

WHEN WE LOVE PEOPLE LIKE PIZZA

So, here's what I saw (or heard, actually) revealed by the bachelor last night.

He told two women than he loved them, but does he agape them?

If you love a person with agape, you love them as a person. If you love a person with eros (which is so very common) you actually love them with the type of love you should reserve for food, like pizza. So, if you can say "I really love pizza!" you're actually saying "I really eros pizza!" In truth, erosing (not sure that's a word) pizza is fine. No problem at all. However, if you eros a person...it never ends well.

CHARACTERISTICS OF EROS LOVE

  1. Temporary
  2. Conditional
  3. Selfish

In the case of pizza, look at it this way. If you love pizza, you love it when you're really hungry, only with the toppings of choice, and for how it makes you feel. 

CHARACTERISTICS OF AGAPE LOVE

  1. Permanent
  2. Unconditional
  3. Selfless

It's easy to see how this form of love is reserved for people. It's the love that God shows us. It's eternal. It's unconditional. It's a gift and through Christ's sacrifice on the cross is clearly selfless.

What if men and women who fall in love would ensure they are falling into agape? When you love someone with agape, you have the foundation for a lifelong love. Divorce lawyers would have to change their focus if married couples agaped each other. Boyfriends and girlfriends would no longer find themselves in relationships of convenience. 

So, as The Bachelor finished another season and now The Bachelorette begins (it's a never-ending cycle of lust and eros, it seems) we get another reality show that misses the point, but reveals culture so well.

 


Ban the Bait & Switch in Church!

Years ago one of our church members (John Green) founded a young men's mentoring group on a local school campus. It was originally designed to help students who needed some guidance and male role models. The groups started small and eventually grew to over fifty gathering on campus prior to the beginning of the school day. The group was unapologetically faith-based, which is politically correct way to say "religiously focused." In the case of this group, the desire to present godly examples of men living out their faith became the focus. 

Over the years, leadership has shifted. I joined the leadership team a number of years ago. It is a weekly responsibility I have had for all these years and we are seeing God work mightily through the young men (and the older men mentoring them as well.)

The founder of the group is no longer working in the school system, but now oversees the educational aspects of a local group home for boys and girls. He is still very much involved in the promotion and focus of this group and since he is still a leader, active member, and minister at our church, he too promotes the solid theological focus needed to lead these boys not just into strong adulthood, but biblical manhood.

The on-campus ministry is called Real Manhood. The word "Real" is an acrostic that reveals the definition of biblical manhood being taught to the boys.

A real man...

  • Rejects passivity
  • Expects the greater reward
  • Accepts responsibility
  • Leads courageously

These are aspects of manhood that all men should seek to attain.

We have expanded the ministry in recent years to newer schools with a plan to be at even more in the fall. Of course, to have a ministry group meeting on a public school campus causes some to wonder. "Is this legal?" is a common question. Absolutely it is, especially since the group has a faculty sponsor and meets prior to school. Student leadership in the group is clear and reservations of facility mean that we are abiding by all laws as well as the "Student Bill of Rights." Our group is not unlike FCA or Cru or even non-religious groups meeting on school campuses. 

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The unique thing about our group for young boys is that it is targeted to just one segment of the student population. A girl's version is being developed. With gender confusion and identity a front-page story nowadays, the need for what we are teaching our boys is needed now more than ever, in our estimation.

All boys, regardless of religious background or belief (or non-belief) are invited. Many who attend now do not regularly attend any local church. Some attend ours. Others attend elsewhere.

When talking with John about the viability of maintaining the group as leadership has changed, we have been adamant that no "bait and switch" occur when inviting boys to attend.

The Bait and Switch

For decades, businesses have been accused of using a "bait and switch" to gain customers. Simply put, this is an advertising technique that pretends to offer one thing, but once the customer arrives, seeks to sell another thing. It has been called a shady marketing strategy and customers, by and large, hate the practice.

Businesses who consistently utilize the technique tend to gain a poor rating from customers. In other words, you don't want to be known as a "bait and switch" company.

When Churches Bait and Switch

Though we denigrate businesses for using such unwholesome techniques, the church has been guilty of doing the same thing. Even with good intentions, the practicality of saying "Come to our event and win an iPad...but really, we just want to preach to you," comes across as more P.T. Barnum than C.H. Spurgeon.

Tweet: Saying  Saying "Come to our event and win an iPad...but really, we just want to preach to you," comes across as more P.T. Barnum than C.H. Spurgeon.

 When John and I were discussing the future of Real Manhood, we agreed that in no way should a "bait and switch" to be used to gain attendees. Parents who allow their children to attend MUST know that this group is an extension of our church's student ministry. That means we are up front with saying "Hey, Real Manhood is a ministry. It's a Christian ministry. It's a Baptist ministry. We teach the Bible to these young men and believe that God will reveal Himself to them through these stories. Real manhood, based on the definition we use, is unattainable apart from Jesus Christ." 

Tweet: Real manhood is unattainable apart from a relationship with Jesus Christ. Real manhood is unattainable apart from a relationship with Jesus Christ.

So far, so good.

Even non-believing parents understand where we stand.

Why is this important? Because to devalue the gospel by trying to package it as something other than it is, is wrong. Why would a ministry choose to be deceptive when sharing Christ? Why would a church do so? There's one in the Bible that is identified as deceptive and we, as Christians, should never wish to be associated with him.

I often wonder if we would have twice as many participants if we just promoted the gathering as a "mentoring group for boys with good life lessons." Perhaps. But, then we'd be lying. To be honest, if I had a son in school attending a group gathering that promoted itself as one way and sold a different bill of goods once the group was gathered, I'd be irate.

Perhaps all churches should consider then when seeking to engage the community and the culture? I'm not really opposed to gatherings that offer fun events, give aways (we even gave an iPad away a few years ago at a student ministry event), and special guests, but be sure to promote who you are and whose you are clearly, especially in our culture of cynics and charlatans. The Gospel deserves better.


firstFAMILY Podcast 007: When Does a Boy Become a Man?

When does a boy become a man? That's the question I have asked many at men's conferences, retreats and even one-on-one. I get a variety of answers, but the bottom line is that in our culture, there is no definitive rite of passage. The celebration of adolescence has created a wide, blurred line between childhood and adolescence. These boys are not quite children, but not adult either. 

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The Bible gives no credence to a life stage between childhood and adulthood. That has basically developed within the past century. 

In an era of confusion regarding gender, adulthood, and life, children need rites of passage and parents are the first, best option for bestowing biblical manhood and womanhood. 

In today's podcast, I talk primarily about young boys and the journey into manhood.


firstFAMILY Podcast 004: Tech Savvy Parenting with Brian Housman

In today's podcast, I interview Brian Housman of 360 Family about his book and seminar titled Tech Savvy Parenting Brian has spent more than twenty years speaking into the lives of students and parents. His experiences as a school administrator, camp director, and youth pastor have allowed him to see families in the culture from many different perspectives. As the founder of 360Family, Brian has spoken at more than 200 conferences, churches and schools including work with D6, K-Love, and FamilyLife Today. His work can be read monthly in Parenting Teens and Homeschooling Today magazines. 

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Did you know 9 out of 10 student aged 8-18 have viewed Internet porn? Did you know 31% of all adolescents lie about their age on the Internet? Did you know more than half of parents fear their child being contacted online by a stranger?

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The Tech Savvy Parenting workshop will be held at firstFAMILY Church on Sunday, March 6 (lunch provided) and Monday, March 7 at Montclair Elementary School. In this informative workshop we look at current research into gaming systems, internet activities, and online communities. Parents will leave this workshop not only with a working knowledge of the web culture but also with specific step you can take as a parent to safeguard your home and child's life. Parents will also be equipped to talk about touchy subjects such as internet pornography, cyber bullying, online integrity, and many more.

Brian has given parents a road map to dealing with their teen’s technology. Tech-Savvy Parenting isn’t just about big issues like texting and internet – it’s about walking parents through practical steps they can take immediately. – Scott Lotta, Parenting Teens Magazine

For more information on Brian, his resources and the conferences, go to techsavvyparenting.com and 360family.org.