David Tarkington

Battle Ready Men's Conference - "What Is It?"

We are one week from hosting our first Battle Ready Men's Conference. There's still time to register, but I believe that many men in our church and community just aren't too sure what this event is. And. . .like you, if I don't know what something is, I tend not to pay much attention to it, much less pay a registration fee and give up my weekend for it.

So. . .here's the skinny:

WHAT BATTLE READY CONFERENCE IS NOT

• It is not just a gathering of church guys around a meal.
• It's not a prayer meeting (though prayer will happen and we do encourage that.)
• It's not a church thing (though, it's taking place at the church's facility.)
• It's not a revival meeting.
• It's not boring.
• It's not easy.
• It's not fluff.
• It's not a waste of time.
• It's not just another Bible study.
• It's not just another men's conference.
• It's not for wimps.
• It's not just sitting in a room watching a movie on the big screen.

WHAT BATTLE READY CONFERENCE IS

• It's dangerous.
• It's about a journey toward authentic manhood.
• It involves good food (on Sunday night - you're on your own Saturday).
• It does involve movie clips - clips from movies that guy's like.
• It's about learning that you're not on this journey alone.
• It's about being equipped to be the man you can be.
• It's about being equipped to be the husband you need to be.
• It's about being equipped to be the father you're called to be.
• It's about being a brother - the kind of brother that sticks close.
• It's about learning you have what it takes.

For years we have held a Battle Ready Weekend getaway to the mountains in the fall. Unfortunately, many men are unable to attend. This conference fills the gap that has been needed for years. However, it's only worthwhile for you if you attend.

This year we welcome David Dusek, founder of Rough Cut Men, as our guest speaker. Using clips from popular films like "Saving Private Ryan," "The Gridiron Gang,", "Armageddon," and even "Shrek", men come away from a Rough Cut Men's Movie Experience realizing they are not the only ones going through challenges. You will be equipped to deal with the challenges of life and encouraged to "walk through life" with one another, as David and Jonathan modeled in 1 Samuel.

In the movie industry, the "rough cut" is defined as the raw, first edition of a movie. This gives an idea of what the finished product will look like and indications where the film excels and needs work. Much like a rough cut movie, rough cut men are not the "finished product" (Philippians 1:6).

Movie clips are coupled with personal storied and relevant biblical principles designed to equip us to live valuable, important and courageous lives.

David Dusek has shared these stories to men all around the nation, from church meetings, Florida Men of Integrity events, the workers for Joe Gibbs Racing and cadets at West Point.

Make a point to join us for the first annual "Battle Ready Men's Conference" featuring Rough Cut Men this year.

The conference is $30 a person and takes place on Saturday, May 5 from 7pm - 9pm and Sunday, May 6 from 3pm - 8pm (gourmet burgers for dinner on Sunday are included.)

Click here to read more and to register today.

Becoming a "Dad"vocate

A number of men in our community volunteer their time to mentor young boys in local schools. Some of these men do so during the lunch hour of the boy who has been assigned to him by the school. Others participate in group meetings before or after school where boys show up voluntarily to learn more about life and what it means to be a man of integrity. I spend my Friday mornings at one such group

A good number of men in our fellowship participate in this. 

It's a powerful ministry, even if some do not fully understand that it is ministry. To pour one's life into a young man is powerful. Young boys desire this message of authentic manhood from their fathers. Unfortunately, some of the boys  do not have father in the picture. That makes the mentor's role even more valuable.

In many cases, there is a father in the picture, but due to work schedule and sometimes just lack of understanding the fullness of the story, they miss the moments.

Most fathers deeply love their sons. It's just that many do not know what to do, what is next or how to go about pouring into their sons' lives the appropriate messages at the appropriate times.

All of us as fathers wound our sons. It's the father wound we all carry and inflict. Yet, there is healing and the truth of the matter is that our wounds do not have to define us.

As we finish up this school year and many of our mentoring relationships are coming to an end, I lament the fact that I will lose the opportunity to meet regularly with these young men. That's why I am working with some other men to develop a force to help the fathers in our community experience what it means to live from their hearts and pour life into their sons. 

One option we are looking at is having a mid-week, early morning (before work) breakfast group meet together at an area restaurant with a private room, just for Dads. I believe our first step will be introducing material from the study "Raising a Modern Day Knight." I'm still looking at how to coordinate this, but my conviction is that it must happen. Dads who can will gather together weekly to discuss some of the basics that our sons need in order to grow healthy and become the men God desires them to be.

We need some "dad"vocates to stand in the gap with these Dads, holding up their arms, supporting them, and encouraging them to breathe life and power into the sons God has entrusted with them.

Pray for us as we venture out to do this. 

This is more than a church class for men who attend First Baptist. We've done that and will do so again. This is an opportunity to impact and change a community for the better. We're building boys into men, rather than ministering to adults who behave like boys.

 

Bitterness Can Kill You

I think we all know someone who deals with bitterness. It's a dangerous thing, but often we just brush it off with "they need to just get happy" or other such counsel. Unfortunately, there are many who claim to be followers of Christ who at one time or another suffer from this ailment. I say ailment because it truly is a spiritual sickness.

I was told a story today of a brother in Christ who just reeks with negativity, bitterness and anger. I won't use his name, because many of you probably know him. He has transformed over the years, according to those who know him best. The transformation has not been good. Now, people avoid him. Some have come to complain about him to me. The account I heard today didn't surprise me, unfortunately, but does sadden me. The reality is that his name isn't important because all of us can easily find ourselves in this situation. By the way, pray for him, but take a moment to read the rest of this posting for your own spiritual health.

In just about every case where a person is bitter, some event has taken place in the person's life that has caused resentment to develop and grow. 

The writer of Hebrews addresses this. . .

Hebrews 12:15(ESV)
See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.

The "root of bitterness" is a spiritual issue and cannot be ignored.

One bitter believer will not only miss out on all that God has for him, he will infect others. It's amazing how bitterness and negativity spread like cancer.

A few years ago a friend of mine gave me a study titled "Evidences of Bitterness in Your Life." I'm not sure if he was trying to tell me something or not. Regardless, I read over this and yes, even became convicted in certain areas.

I do not know who wrote this. I would cite it if I did. Perhaps, you do and could send me the details. Nevertheless, the information is powerful, so I thought I'd share it.

Perhaps this can help you, or maybe a friend.

Here are some attitudes which may reflect bitterness (or the "bitter root" as described in Hebrews. Below the attitude, I list some examples of how this is visible in a person's life as well as  insights from a biblical perspective.

DEPRESSION

• His bitternness uses up his emotional energy and then he tends to become depressed. 
• This is illustrated in the life of Jonah (Jonah 4)

MISTRUST

• He is fearful of being hurt again so he is cautious in trusting those around him. 
• This is illustrated in Judges 11:7 in the life of Jepththah.

CRITICISM

• If he is hurt by one in authority his bitterness causes him to be critical of all that his offender stands for, yet he is incapable of helping his offender improve.
• Matthew 7:1-5 speaks of removing the board in one's own eye then being able to remove the speck from another's.

INSENSITIVITY

• He is insensitive to the needs and feelings of those around him because he has built up a wall to protect himself, resulting in others treating him the way he treats his offender.
• Matthew 7:2 lets us know that our judgment will be placed upon us.

PRIDE

• His pride is at its height as he seeks to exalt himself, as well as get revenge on his offender. This focus makes him incapable of serving others.
• It is hard to be a servant when trying to be the greatest for Jesus said in Matthew 23:11 that the servant is the greatest.

TENSION

• His muscles become tense and stiff whenever he thinks about those who hurt him. 
• This tension and accompanying stubbornness produces the term "stiff necked."
• Numerous passages: Exodus 32:9, Jeremiah 17:23, Acts 7:51, etc.

UNGRATEFULNESS

• He looks at the good things that happen to him as compensation for the hurts he has suffered.
• He feels things are owed to him.
• 2 Timothy 3:2 speaks of loving oneself wrongly.

FLATTERY

• If he tried to cover up his bitterness toward the one who hurt him, it may show itself as flattery.
• Proverbs 28:23

OBSESSION FOR REVENGE

• His desire to get revenge continues to grow and he takes every opportunity to hurt the one that offended him through gossip, slander, physical attacks, etc.
• Romans 12:19

Recognizing there is a bitter root growing is the first step, but what can be done to remove this?

Prayer is paramount, and I mean real prayer. I'm not referring to the "prayer list" prayer here. Don't get me wrong, those prayers of intercession are important, but not what's needed here. This is real, conviction, repentance, seeking God, on your face prayers.

Begin your prayer time this way. . .

• Praise God for who He is and all that He has done.
• Let the Enemy know that he has no right to interfere in your time with the Father and in Jesus' name instruct him to leave. You need intimacy with the Father with no distractions.
• Praise God for who He is once again. Be specific. Focus on Him. Thank Him for the freedom (Galatians 5) He has given you in Jesus.

Then. . .begin the process of removing the bitter root:

1. Examine yourself spritually (1 Corinthians 11:28)
2. Confess your hurts to God as the Holy Spirit reveals them. This will no doubt be painful. You are going deep into the wound here. Acknowledge your wrong responses toward the hurts.
3. Do not rationalize. Do not rationalize your responses or the offender's hurts.
4. Repent (Acts 8:22; 3:19). Focus on your responses to the hurt, not what was done to you. Ask God to forgive you for wrong responses. You may think "I didn't respond wrongly!" Well, yes you did or the bitter root would not be growing. Remember, this does not absolve the offender for what he has done to you. This does not say "What he did was OK." This is about your response.
5. Release the one who hurt you and the debt owed to you. This is probably the most difficult. Everything in your being, supported by the culture and your friends would say not to do this. God says to do this. You have to make a choice here.
6. Break any cords of judgment and agreements with the Enemy you have made (Matthew 16:19).
7. Ask the Holy Spirit to fill the place the bitterness occupied (1 Peter 2:14).
8. Ask God for his grace and power for every need and to reveal any other roots you may need to have removed (Hebrews 4:16).
9. Bless the offender (1 Peter 3:9). If number 5 wasn't the hardest, this will be. You can do it.

Remember why Jesus came. He said so himself. . .

Luke 4:18-19(ESV)
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

It's time to be set free.

The Revolutionary Power of Forgiveness

 01 Right Choices & the Power of Forg

 "Forgiveness is not saying that what you (the offender) did is OK?" - Renee Napier

We hosted Renee Napier and Eric Smallridge once again last night. Our desire was to provide an opportunity for even more people to hear the message covering the warnings of driving under the influence and more importantly, the power of true forgiveness. 

If you haven't already, take the time to read yesterday's post that shares more detail about Renee and Eric's story. 

The presentation was spot on last night as well. Unfortunately, we did not have time for Q & A as we did on Tuesday. During the Q & A time, some really deep questions were asked and other tidbits about their journey were shared. Some of the questions, as I remember them were:

To Eric:

• "What are your plans after you get out of prison?" (Eric): I have been taking A/C tech classes while in prison and hope to be able to find a job in this area, or whatever else God has planned for me. I remember what my mom always said "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans," so I try not to plan too far out.
• "What about your girlfriend and her daughter that you mentioned? Are you still in touch? Will you get back together when you get out?" (Eric): Well, she is married now. It's OK, though. It's a reminder to all of us that one bad choice can result in losing so many things.
• "What about your friend Mike who almost stopped you that night?" (Eric): When I went to trial, Mike was brought up as a witness. The lawyer asked him, while pointing at me, "Do you know this man?" Mike said, "Yes, he's my friend Eric." I was suprised and pleased. He still considered me a friend. Then, he asked Mike if he knew the two young ladies in the car that were killed (Meagan and Lisa,) and Mike said "Yes, I've known them for years. They're like little sisters to me." This was horrible. Mike knew all of us involved. I know he carries a burden of wondering if he could have stopped me that night. It's something he's carried with him and probably will continue to. I saw him a couple of years ago when we started this journey of telling our story. I told him that he was not to blame at all. I told him that it was all on me, that I made the decision, that I drove the car. Still, he hurts.
• Have you forgiven yourself? (Eric): That's really hard. There are times I struggle with this. I know God has forgiven me. I know Renee and her family has forgiven me. Forgiving myself is hard.

To Renee:

• "What about Lisa's family?" (Renee:) Lisa's family has forgiven Eric as well. This was hard for me, for them, for my children. Each had to come to this on their own. 
• "Has your story been put in book form?" (Renee:) Not completely, but it is featured in a new book by Matthew West and Angela Thomas called The Story of Your Life. This is a compilation of over fifty stories submitted to Matthew over a year ago. He chose our story and featured it as one of the devotionals. My disclaimer is that I mentioned my son in the submitted story, but for some reason that sentence was edited out. I contacted my son immediately and showed him the original submission. He laughed about it and said, "Mom, that's the story of my life." He's a great man. 
• "Have you been able to travel outside the state of Florida together?" (Renee:) No, that's not allowed. In fact, it's pretty miraculous that we're able to do this. (Eric:) Florida has a policy of never allowing offenders and offendees to be together, so this is unique.
• "You seem really close to Eric?" (Renee:) I love him like a son. In fact, when we finish talking on the phone, we always end with "I love you." 

There were more questions, but these are the ones that come to mind right now. I wish I had recorded the Q & A. 

Regardless, I hope you can get a more complete picture of this story through this posting. Renee and Eric are speaking at Clay High School in Green Cove Springs this morning and then at Oakleaf High School on Friday. Pray for them as they wind down this three-week tour. They will be on the road again soon. They may be able to come back to Clay County or the Jacksonville area next Spring. If so, we will be involved as much as we can.

Never forget - forgiveness is powerful and freeing.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. - Ephesians 4:32 ESV

 

 

 

I want to offer a special thank you to Sheriff Rick Beseler and the Clay County Sheriff's Office for bringing Renee and Eric to our county and for allowing us the opportunity to partner with them.

The Legacy of Father

01 The Legacy of Dad

This message is one that resonates with me. I have shared it in different formats and venues over the past ten years. Sometimes, it's shared at a retreat setting. Sometimes in a small group. Most often in a one-on-one discussion with men. Today, since we are working through the series of messages on leaving a legacy, it seemed appropriate to remind dads of their great value and power in the lives of their children.

The intent of the message is not to beat men down for failing to step up, but to raise them up to be the men God has created them to be.

I showed a number of clips from the upcoming theatrical release "Courageous." The powerful music video by Casting Crowns is linked below.

  

Where are you men of courage?

Pat's Wrong: Alzheimer's Is Not a Pass to Divorce Spouse

Apparently, on yesterday's broadcast of the 700 Club, Pat Robertson made some pretty over-the-top and controversial statements. That, in and of itself, is not newsworthy or surprising.

This time he was not speaking about politics or God's judgment on nations or anything else that has pushed him to the front page of the mainstream media as in the past. In this situation, he was answering questions from viewers in the show's advice segment.

I do not watch the show but according to Tobin Grant's blog post on the Christianity Today website, Robertson was asked by a woman how she should address a friend who was dating another woman "because his wife as he knows her is gone."

The "gone" reference had to do with the onset of Alzheimer's Disease. Apparently, the friend's wife suffers from Alzheimer's and is in an assisted living facility. She does not recognize her husband. She has no memory of their past. He is a stranger to her every time he visits.

So, he has started seeing another woman and is contemplating divorcing his ill wife in order to marry or at least, continue "guilt free" the relationship with the other woman.

Now, I readily admit that I have never been in the situation that this gentleman is in. I don't even pretend to know the anquish, frustration and heartbreak experienced when one's spouse is "gone" but still alive.

Regardless, when Robertson was asked what to do in this situation, he responded the following way:

That is a terribly hard thing. I hate Alzheimer's. It is one of the most awrul things because here is a loved one - this is the woman or man that you have loved for 20, 30, 40 years and suddenly that person is gone. They're gone. They are gone. So, what he says basically is correct. But, I know it sounds cruel, but if he's going to do something he should divorce her and start all over again. But, to make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her.

What?

Seriously?

That's the pastoral, wise counsel offered?

At this point, his co-host, Terry Meeuswon asked "But isn't that the vow that we take when we marry someone? That it's for better or for worse. For richer or poorer?"

It seems that Terry was shocked at Pat's response and was trying to clarify, hoping he really didn't mean what he said. Apparently, he did.

There are numerous examples from within our own fellowship of believers of couples who have faced this scenerio. A few come to mind now who have or are living this out and their response to their loved ones are testimonies of what "for better or worse" and the sanctity of the marriage vows mean. Is it easy for them. Oh no. They would readily admit that. However, there is an understanding of the seriousness God gives to the marriage vows and the responsibility of the spouse to stand firm for a lifetime.

The article by Grant references the story of Robertson McQuilkin, who twenty years ago ended his tenure of 22 years as president of Columbia Bible College and Seminary. He was faced with this very situation and ended his tenure at the college in order to care full-time for his wife, Murial. Murial died in 2003 after suffering for 25 years with the disease. McQuilkin explained his decision in an article written about him following his resignation from the school:

When the time came, the decision was firm. It took no great calculation. It was a matter of integrity. Had I not promised, 42 years before, "in sickness and in health. . .till death do us part?" This was no grim duty to which I stoically resigned. However, it was only fair. She had, after all, cared for me for almost four decades with marvelous devotion; now it was my turn. And such a partner she was! If I took care of her for 40 years, I would never be out of her debt.

Now, that's a good answer.

Even non-believers hear this question and think "What? That's so wrong!" Why? Because they've seen the movie "The Notebook" most likely.

The bottom line is that Alzheimer's Disease is not an excuse to get married. If the question must be asked, the reality is the person already knows it's wrong. It reeks of self-centeredness and is always partnered with the question "Well, doesn't God want me to be happy?"

Simple answer - "No. He wants you to be holy."

Sorry Pat, you're wrong.

Things Men Need to Know

I'm sitting in my cabin at Horn's Creek right now looking over the pond from the porch and waiting for the men to arrive tonight. A good number are together on our bus. Some are driving themselves and a couple are coming from other areas.

This is the ninth year of hosting Battle Ready. While there are similarities to each weekend, the stories of healing and hope that the men experience are unique.

To put it simply - it's a very deep and challenging weekend. It's fun and that's what most who never attend see (the pictures of rafting and paintball and the like) but that's not what makes Battle Ready unique. It's our time alone with God, our time together as brothers talking and praying through the deep things of life. It's the time together experiencing deep revelation and hopefully going to the even deeper parts of our hearts for healing.

Since this will be a dangerous weekend, it's good to relax too and have a laugh or two. 

Just about every time I make the drive up here to Horn's Creek, Tennessee, I stop off at Exit 3 in Georgia off I-75. There's a discount bookstore there. Some people like antique shops. Others like outlet malls. I like discount bookstores. You never know what kind of treasure you'll find.

This bookstore has tons of Christian books. Aapparently, Christians really like books. I programmed the word "book" in my GPS and most of the stores on the route were Christian bookstores. While the rest of the world is downloading books on their Kindles and iPads, most Christians are still going to the stores.

Not every book in this store is a "Christian" book. That sounds weird, dosn't it? How can a book be a Christian? I went to the section on relationships and personal growth. This is where the "men's" books are, as well as some pretty graphic books on marriage and intimacy that seem strange sitting on shelves next to Gary Smalley and Les Parrott books.

I purchased four. Only two were published by Christian publishers, so two are unsaved books. Still, some pretty good basic information. One is The Man's Book by Thomas Fink. It's subtitled "The Essential Guide fo the Modern Man" and has such interesting and needed information like beard and mustache descriptions, the ever popular "urinal test" which proves that even though men may not speak the same language throughout the world, we all know which urinal to use in a public restroom based on which other urinals are being used. This test is even an app for the iPad. Ladies - you'll never understand, but guys get this.

I found another little book really cheap titled The Rules: A Man's Guide to Life by the editors of Esquire. Since it comes from Esquire, there are things in it not worth reading, much like the magazine. However, this book was really cheap and there were some good things in it too. So, since I'm a few hours from getting into some really deep teachings and discussions with about 50 men, I'm taking just a few minutes now to read up on some of these "essentials" that men need to know. I figured I'd share a few of the life-changing truths here:

• Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom the "little boys' room."
• For every Tom Hanks, there's always a Peter Scolari.
• No talking at the urinal.
• Actors are short. Comedians are shorter.
• There is nothing that can be marketed that cannot be marketed better using the voice of James Earl Jones.
• If Bill Gates were good-looking and well dressed, people would like him better.
• Talk half as much as you listen.
• A man in a minivan is half a man.
• There is no shame in the peanut butter sandwich.
• No matter how hard you practice, you cannot say "Yeah, right" without sounding sarcastic.
• If there's anything that comes out of terrible tragedy, it's really dumb legislation.
• These are words to say when playing touch football. "Got you" is fine. "Touchdown," expected. But, "Hey, too hard!" - that's a no-no.
• "Irregardless" is not a word, irregardless of what you say.
• If you're making a sign to be held up at a sporting event, it doesn't hurt to use a dictionary.
• There is no shame in cinnamon toast.
• When someone sneezes four times in rapid-fire succession, one "bless you" will suffice.
• Do not give yourself a nickname.
• Except on the golf course, golf umbrellas are unmanly.
• Soda tastes 27 percent better from glass bottles than plastic.
• Reaching over to flush another man's urinal is universally frowned upon.
• Never trust a man who knows all the dance steps to "Bye, Bye, Bye."
• If your dream involves an elaborate plot in which you are looking for a bathroom, it's time to get up and use it.
• When a joke is immediately followed by the phrase "Get it?", the joke's potential comedic value drops by an estimated 80 percent.
• The best mogul name ever is T. Boone Pickens.
• Practicing half-court shots becomes unacceptable after the age of 14.
• Nobody on a political talk show has ever convinced a fellow panelist of anything. Never happened. Never will.
• The best villians have accents and walk slowly.
• Flame decals do not fool passers-by into thinking your car is hot (or fast.)
• Anyone who says "work hard and play hard" probably does neither.
• There are no men over the age of 35 named Josh.
• A man wearing a brightly colored fanny pack is precisely seventh-eighths of a man.
• Soccer would be a lot more fun if everybody used their hands.
• Every sitcom must feature an episode in which the male character is tragically torn celebrating a romantic milestone and using unexpected courtside basketball tickets.
• The quality of a take-out restaurant is exactly mirrored in the quality of its napkins.
• Do not antagonize a man with an eye patch.
• A man who pronounces croisants as "kwa-sa" is not a man at all.
• The funniest tent is a yurt, followed by the tepee and the wigwam.
• A man should never own more than two pair of convertible pants.
• Flavored dental floss should never be sweeter than the food you wish to remove.
• Popular boys have bad posture. Popular girls have good posture.
• Toothpicks are not a viable grooming option 50 yards beyond a restaurant.
• If you cook on a hot plate at home, it's not going to be that easy to get that car loan.
• All bottled water comes from a faucet in Richmond.
• Quentin is to Tarantino as one-hit is to wonder.
• People who call ping-pong "table tennis" will always beat you.
• Some women call each other "girls" but you can't.
• You are not on the team that plays in your city. They are not "we"; their wins are not yours.
• Yes, seat belts do wrinkle a suit, but so do windshields.
• There is no shame in grape soda.
• Pompous people like to be called pompous.
• Always keep your receipt from Radio Shack.
• There is no shame in well-done steak.
• Men named Walter are taken more seriously than men named Jason. Also Billy.
• Girl Scout cookies are for buying, not eating.
• No one will ever tell you the chicken salad was not made today.
• You can't think of the Gutenberg Bible without thinking of Steve.

There, now you know some things that are needed to make it as a man in this world.

No, these are not covered at the Battle Ready Weekend. We tend to cover things that really matter, bu this list is still helpful.

The Wounded Man

As I prepare to leave for our ninth annual Battle Ready Men's Weekend, the topic of the wounded man weighs heavy. We have talked about this over and over throughout the years and still I meet good, solid Christian men who have yet to gain healing in the area of the wound.

How serious is this?

It's dramatic.

All men are wounded. Most often the wound comes from their earthly father. This is true even if their father is a godly, Christian man. It's in our nature. The real man discovers this wound, realizing how it keeps him from being the man, husband and father God has intended.

The great thing about these wounds is that there is healing. The wound (whether a father wound, overly protective mother wound or other) is a deep place and requires deep healing. Our hope and assurance is that our God is the Healer and will go into the deepest part of the painful place and in His miraculous way, give healing.

Men, we carry these wounds. I fear for the man who says "I have no wound." Blind eyes. You must first recognize the wound to be healed.

Dads - we will wound and have wounded our children. We often don't intend to, but we do. How great our God is to come and put back together that which has been broken.

Here's a good reminder.

 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3 ESV) 

What Submission in Marriage Really Means

01 4 - Grace Is the Foundation 1

For the past month, I have been preaching sermons based on what God says regarding marriage. While there were numerous things covered, the primary was not to focus just on the things a husband and wife can do to to better their relationship, though that is a great thing and an intended secondary desire for the series. The primary focus is to see how God designed marriage, between one man and one woman for life, to be the very best picture of Christ's relationship with the church.

Yesterday, I dove into a passage of Scripture that is often used when taking Bible studies that focus on marriage. It is also, in my opinion, one of the most misinterpreted and misused verses in Scripture. There's a little word in this passage that seems to cause great concern for many. 

Just a few weeks ago, one of the Republican nominees for President, who claims to be a believer, was asked about this verse. It was obviously an entrapment question, but the point was made - most people, unbelievers especially, just don't get what this passage means.

Ephesians 5:21-33 (ESV)

Submitting [or submit] to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,  so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

The key word that many go to in this passage is submit. That causes some to bristle. Others like it, but for all the wrong reasons and potentially because they don’t understand it. There are some who understand and live it out and can testify to the reality and truth of the command. However, beneath the word “submit” is a greater truth that is revealed in this passage.

In this passage is a greater truth espousing the nature of our God. This is the reality of grace.

While some have read this and even used it in a tyrannical way to set up a hierarchy in marriage that belittles women and misinterprets the roles of the image bearer and God’s greatness, the truth is that apart from grace, biblical submission is not possible.The marriage between a man and woman, being the model chosen by God to illustrate the relationship between Christ and the church, is built upon grace.

Through God’s grace, He pursued His bride – the church. He obtained His church through a costly purchase, by grace. Christ’s church is sustained solely by His grace. We, the church, will be made perfect for Christ by grace.

The reality is that we deserve nothing other than destruction and judgment. Yet, we live. We exist. Our very existence is based upon His grace. 

Apart from grace, even if not fully comprehended, man could not and would not forgive. The emphasis of grace is made known in this simple definition – treating people better than they deserve. This is the heart of grace. 

It is a central part of what it means to be transformed by the Holy Spirit of God. The reality of who we are in Christ, as redeemed believers, should overwhelm us. It is the biggest deal of all of life.

This grace made known through Christ leads to unmerited forgiveness.

Grace and forgiveness are two lanes on the same highway. Both emanate from the character of God. Both grace and forgiveness are given to the image-bearers and children of God through the power of the Holy Spirit. There is then the expectation that we would also gift others with grace and forgiveness.  

Mark 11:26 (ESV)

But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your trespasses.

Yet, there are things beyond forgiveness that come by grace in this relationship called marriage.

Consider the implications of Ephesians 5:25-27 regarding marriage. This is the pursuit of godliness in Christ.  These verses take us beyond forgiveness. They will melt away all misinformation regarding submission that confuse so many. 

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Now, here's a sub-heading that received some attention yesterday when I presented it.

HUSBANDS ARE TO CHANGE THEIR WIVES

This does not mean "get a new wife" or "trade her in for a younger model." The point is to stay married to the same woman, yet lead her to change. 

When you contemplate Christ’s relationship to the church, he is intently seeking to change the nature of the bride. He is working to change her into something morally and spiritually beautiful. He seeks this and attains this at a great cost – His life. His love for the church and desire to glorify the Father led him to the cross.

Think of the implications of this relationship as it relates to how a husband thinks and acts with a view of changing his wife. This seems so contradictory to modern thought.

• “You shouldn’t want to change anyone.”
• “What if the wife is godly and the husband needs to change?”

That's a good point and a good question. Yet, the concept of transformation is biblical. This does not presume that the husband is infallible or without need for change. In fact, both husband and wife need to change greatly as they grow mature in the faith. 

The deeper, grace-filled implication here is that the husband, who loves like Christ, bears a unique responsibility for the moral and spiritual growth of his wife – which means that over time, God willing, change happens.

This is very shaky ground, I understand this. There is a danger that some men will hear this concept of change and distort what the Word says to create a theology (or a "me-ology") that is based upon his selfishness and sinful desires. The text does not lead there. It leads us to a totally different place.

Consider these things. . . 

1. The husband is to be like Christ. This does not mean that the husband is like Christ in every way. Men are finite. We are not omnipotent. We are not God. We are sinful. We mess up royally at times. Christ was not and is not. Therefore, we dare not presume that we are infallible, nor should we misuse this passage for our own selfish desires.
2. The conformity referenced here is to Christ, not the husband. “Sanctify her” so that he may present her to himself “in splendor.” “Holy”. These implications are for the husband's desire for his wife. Our desires are to be measured not by our standards, but by God’s.
3. The love is so pure, so deep, so real that the husband should be willing to die for her, as Christ did for the church. This is incredibly radical.

Husbands – if you’re pursuing this verse by lording over your wife, you are totally missing the point. You are running the risk of leading your wife not to purity and conformity to Christ, but to sin.

If a husband is loving his wife this deeply, her heart is changed. His desire is for this will be expressed to his wife not as humiliation, but as servanthood. Christ the Son of God, God the Son, came as a servant – the suffering servant and led his bride to newness. So, too, are husbands to do this for their wives. 

WIVES ARE TO CHANGE THEIR HUSBANDS

Again, this does not mean that wives are to "trade up" or leave one husband for a new one. This falls under the same guideline of staying married to one many for life. 

The husband’s headship is not identical to Christ’s – it is like it.

Therefore, the wife’s submission to the husband is not identical to her submission to Christ – it is like it.

The analogy of submitting to one’s husband as to the Lord only works if the wife is first submitted to the Lordship of Christ. Then, and only then, will she be in a place to submit to her husband without committing idolatry.

The wife will see the need for change in her husband. She will see this as she is drawn closer to the Lord. Transformation and change (into the man of God He desires) should occur while she still respects her husband as her head – leader, protector, provider.

Some implications. . .

1. Prayer for Change. A wife relates to her husband the way the church should relate to Christ. The church prays to Christ—or to God the Father through Christ. When the church prays to her husband, she asks Him to do things a certain way. If we (the church - the bride) are sick, we ask him for healing. If we are hungry, we ask for our daily bread. If we are lost, we ask for direction, etc. Since we believe in the absolute sovereignty of Christ to govern all things, this means that we look at the present situation that he has ordained, and we ask him to change it. (This statement was made by John Piper in a message on marriage.) It’s just an analogy and taken too far, it falls apart in that the church doesn’t pray to Christ to change His imperfections. He has none. It is a request for change of circumstances or situations. In this way, wives will ask husbands for change in ways he is living and doing things.
2. Every husband needs to change. None of us have arrived. None are without sin. The message of the Gospel to the heart of men has been muted for generations and the very best thing a man can do for his wife is to become the authentic, real man God has created him to be.  This means change. Big change.
3. A good sister will confront in love. This is not a license to nag, but as a sister in Christ – which a wife is to her saved husband, there are instructions in Galatians 6:1 and Matthew 18:15 to confront sin in love and with peace.

Marriage is the perfect picture of grace – Christ loving His church – a man loving his wife. The church loving her bridegroom – bride loving her husband. We get so caught up in the minutia and the reasoning of why things aren’t what they should be. . .and yet. . .we refuse to change.

Saying “I’ll do better” isn’t enough.

Saying “I’ll change” isn’t enough.

It begins with your understanding of Christ’s love for His church. Does your marriage model this?

God looked to us, lost and separated from Him by our sin and sent Jesus (the bridegroom) to die and be crushed for our sin. He looked to us and said “It’s worth it.” You’re worth it. So is your marriage.

Credit where credit is due: In preparation for this series on marriage, I read the Scripture first (the best practice,) praying that God would direct this series. I then researched other pastors and marriage experts who have covered this topic. Knowing that there is "nothing new under the sun" I was praying that God would solidify the direction of this series. Books and videos by speakers and authors such as Dr. Les & Dr. Leslie Parrott, Gary & Barb Rosberg, Dennis Rainey, and Dr. Gary Chapman were used. John Piper presented some very clear truths that resonated with me regarding this series. So, while 99.9% of the time everything I write comes directly from my head (scary, I know) much of the direction here in this final message was inspired by Piper's messages. I pray that this series has struck a nerve (a spiritual nerve) among the people of First Baptist Church. Praying that our marriages will be grace saturated and God-honoring.

Men and Dads Matter

In preparation for our ninth annual Battle Ready Weekend for men and older boys, it has become even more evident that men need the message. It's not that I am teaching the sessions. There's nothing unique or original with me. It's that it just becomes more and more evident that we (men) need this.

I have spent the past few weeks finalizing and preparing for this weekend (which begins next Friday - September 2.) I have all the reservations made for the cabins, meals, white water rafting, paintball and other activities. I fully understand that many register for the weekend because the activities, but my hope is that they will discover the message to be the most memorable aspect of the weekend.

For years churches have held study groups for men. Ever since Promise Keepers put men's ministry on the map years ago, churches have acknowledged the reality that they have missed connecting, ministering to and with and connecting to the heart of men. This is why many men see church as something that wouldn't interest them. It's been called the "feminization of the church." 

With books by such men as Patrick Morley, John Eldredge, Bob Buford and Robert Lewis, the push for more authentic men's ministries and studies have grown.

While there are numerous blogs wtih opinions about this movement of men's ministry, both positive and negative, as well as opinions about the authors listed above and others, the reality remains - God has a design for men and women, both divinely made in His image, but uniquely different as well. This has been ignored or avoided for years.

So. . .we (First Baptist Church of Orange Park and the Real Men's Ministry) have strategically moved to connect with, reach, and make disciples of men.

WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN?

Reaching and minsitering to and with women is vital as well. That's why I am so excited about our new Women's Ministry Team at First Baptist. This team is intentional in ministry and focused on the heart of women. You can connect with our Women's Ministry at www.opwomen.org and at their Facebook page here.

It is my contention that for the Christian community, including families, that one of the healthiest things for women, children, the family and the church is for men to step into the Story as God designed. Men, all too often, fall back into the model given by Adam. The disconnected, unegaged man allows and leads to destruction.

So, men matter.

When I served in student ministry, I noticed a few things. Now, these aren't scientific results or necessarily good statistical analyses. These are just observations.

First, those students who tended to have the most issues (i.e. problems) had a commonality about them. In every case (I know that sounds bold, but truly, it was every case) these students either had an absent father or a disengaged one. In most cases, it was unintentional. Maybe dad was on a ship (we're in a Navy city) for six months or traveling for business. Sometimes, dad was there physically, but when he arrived home from work, he hid in the news, his hobbies or other activities and was uninvolved in his wife or children's lives. 

In some cases, dad was nowhere to be seen. Either dad was dead, or out of the picture due to divorce or other reasons.

In every case the children paid the price.

The "Father Wound" as we discuss at Battle Ready and in small groups becomes very evident here.

The second thing I noticed was this. If we as the church could reach a teenager, that was good, but often, we'd just reach the teenager. If we sought to connect with his/her mother, we had a pretty good chance of connecting with mom and the kids. However, if we could reach and disciple dad, the entire family would arrive.

Our desire as a church is to reach every person with the life-changing message of Jesus Christ. In this endeavor, He has shown us that we must be intentional with every person. Each person, man, woman, boy or girl, needs Christ.

That being said, and based on what Scripture reveals to us, if we can reach the men of our community (and our church) family transformation for the good most often will result.