When Your Child's Sin Leads To Your Bitterness

Parenting isn't for cowards. That sentence was used in a book title years ago and there's much truth in it. Yet, as challenging as parenting may be, the blessings of God through being allowed to parent His image-bearers are innumerable.



Photo credit: Steve Snodgrass via Visualhunt / CC BY

As a pastor I hear many stories from friends and church members related to heartbreak and pain connected to the sins of their children. My wife and I are not immune to these feelings either, so I must say I was pleasantly and uncomfortably jarred this morning while reading a book on biblical parenting. 

The book is The Faithful Parent: A Biblical Guide to Raising a Family by Martha Peace and Stuart Scott. For a good review of the book by The Gospel Coalition, click here.

Uncomfortably Jarred

Knowing the truth and doing what God desires are not always the same thing. After years of struggling with personal angst regarding some family issues with a child, Peace and Scott's writing revealed something I have been holding within. Through the words of Ephesians 4:31-32, God revealed that I had allowed bitterness to solidify within my heart. 

The section I was reading is titled "When Things Don't Go As Planned" and is focused on Christian parents who raise rebellious, unsaved, unrepentant children and wonder "How did this happen?" I share Peace and Scott's words on this here (from pages 180-181):

Instead of being angry and bitter, we are to trust and be kind, compassionate, and forgiving. We are to go the extra mile (Matt. 5:41), return good for evil (Rom. 12:21), and pray for those who persecute us (Matt. 5:44). If we do not obey these commands we may find ourselves doing ridiculous things such as sharing the gospel in anger or using anger to try to change the heart.

For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires. (James 1:20)

Bitterness can be hard to see in ourselves because we're so busy rehearsing why we didn't deserve what has happened to us. Ask yourself these questions to help evaluate whether you're bitter.

  • Am I withdrawing my love and commitment to my child or God?
  • Am I shocked and appalled that my child would sin against me?
  • Do I wonder how God could do/allow this to happen to me?
  • Am I not willing (or finding it very difficult) to do good to my child or for God?
  • Do I feel I deserve to be treated better by God?
  • Do I find myself avoiding my child?
  • Do I secretly delight in his misfortune?
  • Do I see his sin as the "log" and mine as the "speck" before God?

Repent of any bitterness that you have! Make glorifying God your focus instead of dwelling on how you're being treated.



Bitterness is a deadly thing. It's like a cancer that seeps in unknown, but infects all areas - especially attitude. Is this just about me? No. I know many parents who have faced the very same feelings. Somewhere in the midst of "log" and "speck" analysis, anger, hurt, frustration, and pain become all that is known. 

And the Enemy wins a small battle.

Nowhere in this section is sin minimized - the sin of the child (speck or log) or the sin of the parent (speck or log), but the strategy of the Enemy is clear. Bitterness leads to sin and ineffective Christian living. Sin hurts. It always does.

Our Perfect Father knows how this feels. Read Isaiah 1:2-4 for details. 

Peace and Scott remind us...

He knows what it is like to be rejected by those whom he has loved and cared for. He knows what it is like to see a loved one headed for disaster. He knows what it is to long for his children to return to their senses (Matt. 23:37). He knows what it is to have anguish over his own, although they may cause it. Rest assured, God the Father is able to sympathize with you and knows how to work with the wayward.

Trust him. Remember, grace is enough. 

Reflections from a Wedding

The summer is winding down and while there is no "official season" for weddings, we still see more weddings scheduled during the months of May through July here in our area. This year has been significant in my life regarding weddings. I have been to dozens of weddings - in most I have had the honor of serving as pastor (of officiant, to be precise.) Just over two months ago, I once again stood before the bride and groom, but also had the privilege of walking the bride down the aisle as in this very special wedding, the bride was my daughter.

Last night, I stepped in front of the crowd once more and led a man and woman into the covenant relationship of marriage. Once again, it was a beautiful wedding ceremony capped off with a fun reception for family and friends. 

Photo credit: pixel pro photography via Visual Hunt / CC BY-NC-SA

While I am not the "wedding expert" (those people tend to be relegated to TLC shows and special wedding blogs) I have been to my fair share of weddings and I have experienced these ceremonies from various perspectives, so here are some random (totally random) thoughts on weddings. Remember, these are from a pastor's perspective...and a man's.


  • Watch the groom. When the bride begins to walk down the aisle, you (the crowd) need to stand and look at her, but take a look at the groom. In most cases, this is the first time he has seen her in the dress and in my experience, the look on his face is priceless. Take a picture of him.
  • Flower girls and ring bearers are cute, but once they come down the aisle, they don't need to be the ones everyone is watching. So if they're really young, don't let stand up front with the bridal party unless they can handle standing still for about 45 minutes.
  • Take your pictures of the bride and groom, but if you're told to not use a flash - please turn it off. You may be frustrated that your photos are not as clear and Instagram-worthy, but no worries, in most cases a professional photographer has been paid to get higher resolution and better quality pictures. Don't be a distraction.
  • Uncle Guido needs to stay off the stage. This is a direct reference to one wedding I attended at our church. I was not officiating this one, but had a great seat because I was running the sound system for it. I'm not sure the uncle's name was Guido, but he looked like an Uncle Guido. His metallic, shiny shirt, with the top four buttons undone, hairy chest showing with gold medallion around his neck (for full effect, picture Danny DeVito at a disco) walked up on the stage to get some photographs DURING the ceremony. And, just so the image is complete, his camera was one of the cardboard, throw-away cameras that were popular about twenty years ago. So you hear this "click" then the loud winding of the film. The guy was really nice, but let's just say, he was a bit of a distraction.
  • When a worship service breaks out at the wedding, it is a good thing. In fact, it should be the case at each wedding since the imagery of husband and wife is God's choice for illustrating best Christ's relationship with his church. God-honoring weddings hit the mark. When the wedding centers upon his greatness and grace, everything falls into place. Of course, this means that the husband and wife should both be Christians. This makes that "equally yoked" concept clear. 
  • On that note, Christians should only marry Christians. That's not legalistic. It's not my idea. It's a biblical construct that shows obedience. I am sad to say that far too many weddings I see are built on the foundation of physical attraction, eros love, and "my biological clock is ticking and all my friends are getting married." Nevertheless, poor marriage preparation does keep the marriage counselors in business.
  • The marriage is more important than the wedding. Now, more than ever, this must be declared. When the state gives marriage license discounts for couples who have gone through pre-marital counseling, it's clear that even those who do not affirm God's plan for marriage see preparation as vital. We use SYMBIS (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts) and it has provided for intense evaluation and open and frank conversations. Of course pre-marital counseling is only as effective as the couple is open and the facilitator is prepared.
  • The perfect wedding is one where a man and woman covenant to stay holy and faithful and to love and respect each other "until death do they part." Young ladies, especially, are inundated with Photoshopped images and finely edited videos of "perfect" weddings. Pinterest is not really a problem, but I have not been to a wedding in the past five years that was not influenced greatly by something the bride saw on Pinterest. Add that to "Say Yes to the Dress" and "I Found the Gown" and a host of other "reality" shows and undue pressure for perfection arises.
  • Godly weddings do not have to be in church buildings. There was a day when weddings held outside of church facilities raised the eyebrows of those in the community. Whispers such as "They're not allowed to be married in the church" would develop and in some cases that was true. Nevertheless, I am seeing many weddings held in facilities and even outdoors that are centered on God and his love. Sometimes, it's just a venue issue and the preference of the family and the bride. Remember, if this is a once-in-a-lifetime event having a beautiful venue in photographs and videos does not remove God from the ceremony. To be honest, I have been to my fair share of weddings in the church building that were less that worshipful.
  • The bride is beautiful! She is and she should be told this by others. In many cases, these women have spent hours getting ready for this moment. The most beautiful bride is the one who truly loves the Lord. I know it sounds cliche´, but it's not. The beauty of a woman devoted to God shines through and when she can actually wear that white dress as a sign of her purity saved for her husband, it is wonderful.
  • Tissues please. Even the strongest will have leaky eyes at times. I have learned to have tissues on hand for the bride, groom (and the father of the bride.) 
  • The bride gets final say. I tell the brides this clearly prior to the rehearsal. This is her wedding (and the groom, too, but he's just rented a tux and stands there waiting for her, so we let her decide all this.) That means this is not the wedding coordinator's wedding. It's really not the mother of the bride's wedding (though she likely paid for it). In most every case decisions are already made and the mother of the bride and the bride collaborated on it. In many cases, the ceremony had been planned since the bride was about eight. Nevertheless, I always ask the bride "Is this what you want?" if there's a change or question. If she doesn't like it, I become the bad guy and just say "No, we're doing it this way." If I make a mother of the bride or groom mad, it's no big deal. I won't be sitting with these folks at Christmas, Thanksgiving, and birthdays for the next few decades and that bride will. So, I figure, let's let the woman have her day.
  • One man to one woman marriage only.  (Yeah, I know there were polygamists in Scripture, but even those instances were not God's holy desire.) This was not an issue when I first began doing wedding ceremonies, but now that same-sex weddings are legal, some heretofore understood ideas are having to be declared clearly. Just to be clear, I will not perform the ceremony for same-sex couples or transgendered individuals. Our church won't host these ceremonies and none of our pastors or ministers will perform these either. While it's easy to declare us as "haters" the reality is that we believe we cannot honor God's plans and His word by playing a role in such events. Even as I led the wedding ceremony last night, I was made aware once more how many "man/woman" and "husband/wife" commands from Scripture are part of my vows and charge to the couple. I know that over 150,000 same-sex weddings have taken place in the US since the Obergefell case led to the legalization of such unions, but just because something is legal does not make it biblical. 
  • Husbands are to love their wives. Wives are to respect their husbands. For the first time, I added this in the ceremony yesterday. After the rings were given, the vows taken and the unity candle lit, the couple stood before me ready for the big "I declare you married, now kiss your bride" moment when I asked the groom plainly "Do you love her?" He answered yes! Then, I looked to the bride and said, "We've talked about this. You know the Bible commands the husband to love his wife, but the command to the wife is different." She remembered and said to me "Respect." I smiled and said, "That's how we men feel loved. So, do you respect him?" She said yes! It was a moment. You know, one of those moments where people in the room go "Oh, that's good." and then, of course the couple kissed and walked back down the aisle as one. Love and respect. Check out Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' book on this. Good stuff.
  • RSVPs matter. To be honest, there have been many times I have forgotten to RSVP for receptions. Once we (my wife and I) began putting together the details for our daughter's wedding and reception (which had limited seating) I began to see the value of the RSVP. So, send that back. Oh, apparently, some don't know what RSVP means. It's French for "SEND BACK YOUR RESPONSE." 
  • Only RSVP the number reserved. Regarding RSVPs, if there is a number pre-printed on your invitation, that means there is limited seating, so don't get mad and say "I'm adding my boyfriend or fourth child or uncle or whomever." If the invitation says "We've reserved 3 seats for you" it means there are only 3 seats, so either say "Yes, we three will be there" or signify a number less than three or just say no.
  • Show up. If you RSVP saying you'll be there and don't show up, especially if it's for the reception and a dinner is provided, you've just rudely cost the parents of the bride money. This wasn't the case really for our daughter's wedding, but I have seen it happen. Okay, here's the deal - I look at the empty chair next to me at the reception last night and wonder why the person said they were coming, had the family pay for that plate and then decided to not show. I'll go with benefit of the doubt and hope the person was sick (that's not really right, is it?) and couldn't make it. Oh yeah, sometimes people just plain forget and they miss an event. That's understandable, too. We're human. But....if you say "YES" and then the wedding day comes and you're at home and laying on the couch and just decided not to come because you, well, just don't want to come...DON'T. Get up, get dressed, put on some deodorant, comb your hair and go to the wedding. It's the right thing to do.
  • Dry receptions can be fun, and you'll remember it the next day sans headache. Drunks at wedding receptions are embarrassing and while funny, become a black mark on an otherwise beautiful ceremony. So, for one night just drink the tea, coffee, and watermelon-infused carbonated beverage (I have no idea what that is, but it was an option last night.)
  • Wedding reception music is important. Here's what I've observed - The Cupid Shuffle allows many people with only ten percent of dancing ability and rhythm to engage in a non-threatening "dance" and it looks fun. Music from the 80s is a must. This allows the 40 and 50-somethings in the crowd (these are often the parents, uncles, aunts, and mentors) to feel young and have flashbacks to high school. Be ready though, once "Footloose" starts playing, someone is going to try to dance like Kevin Bacon but look more like Chris Penn. Now that the "kids" are getting older, some classic pop music from N*Sync, the Backstreet Boys, and the Spice Girls tends to bring more people onto the dance floor.
  • Dancing is a misnomer as most of the white, Baptist people weddings I have attended show that clearly. The truth is clear, it's not that Baptists don't dance. It's that most Baptists (of which I am one) cannot dance. And since most Baptists don't drink publicly, these are sober people acting the fool on a dance floor. When these dance moments happen, iPhones appear. I'm always careful.
  • All weddings need drones. This is a new thing. At last night's wedding, the videographer had a drone! Yes, a drone. It was incredible. From my vantage point on stage, as the bride and groom exited the church building, the doors opened and they were greeted with a drone and I imagine the video is incredible. Of course, it's best to warn the wedding party the drone is there, otherwise they may think that Skynet has taken over.
  • Weddings must be holy, but should be fun at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive.
  • Outdoor weddings at 2pm in August in Florida are not best. Done these before. Good thing my suit is black and the sweat isn't noticeable. 
  • A good exit song is a must. Yesterday they played "Signed, Sealed, Delivered." It was fun.

Well, these are just thoughts and worth about what you expect. 

As I look back at over twenty years of officiating weddings, I cannot help but smile that many of the couples remain married, committed to the Lord and to each other. Oh, it's not a perfect record, but in every case, we sought to do the ceremony and the marriage right. It's not easy being married. As stressful as putting together a wedding may be, the real challenge comes once the ceremony ends. Yet, as it says in the Bible regarding all that God created, the marriage union, founded on him and his Word is GOOD.

When Chick-fil-A Opened on Sunday

Full disclosure: I'm a Chick-fil-A apologist.

I worked at Chick-fil-A when I was in high school. Those were the days when the restaurants were pretty much exclusively in malls and the menu included such things as deep-fried apple pies (they need to bring this back,) the Chick-N-Q and meals were served in cardboard boxes that looked like barns.

My children both worked for Chick-fil-A during high school and college.

We still eat at Chick-fil-A regularly. I even recommend students in our church to work for our local restaurants. I keep hoping for a kick-back in free nuggets for that.

image from https://s3.amazonaws.com/feather-client-files-aviary-prod-us-east-1/2016-06-14/9d15d9b35faf4919b6d6c1966e5de262.png
Photo credit: StockMonkeys.com via VisualHunt.com / CC BY

There are many people who love Chick-fil-A.

There are also many people who hate the restaurant. Most of those who declare their hatred for Mr. Cathy's restaurant online and in the news state that it is the "intolerant" beliefs of ownership and the anti-LGBT policies of the business. This stems from CEO Dan Cathy's statements regarding his personal convictions that oppose the legalization of same-sex marriage. You may remember that firestorm that hit the airwaves a number of years ago. I wrote about that here in a post from 2012. I remember squeezing into our local Chick-fil-A for a "Stand with CFA" grassroots event that drew more customers than in the history of the restaurant. Nevertheless, the cultural barrage continues to this day.

Some cities declared Chick-fil-A was not welcome to open restaurants within their municipalities. The news goes on and on and on. And Chick-fil-A continues to grow and while labeled as hateful for those who disagree with the owners religious and personal convictions, the local restaurants continue to illustrate their openness to hire qualified employees with no regard to race, religion or sexual orientation.

Sundays at Chick-fil-A

One of the most widely known characteristics of the Cathy's restaurants is that they are not open on Sundays. This was founder Truett Cathy's conviction as a Christian and active member of his local church. Though money is to be made by being open seven days a week, he refused to allow this. There are stories of individual operators who lost their restaurants when it was discovered by corporate that they were opening on Sundays. Even the powerful malls of the 1970s and 1980s could not sway Chick-fil-A to open. This is still true today. I remember a few years back as I was leading a mission team back to the US from a two-week project in Europe. We were to land in Philadelphia. We were pretty excited because we knew there was a Chick-fil-A in the Philadelphia airport. Yes! In Philadelphia there is sweet tea! It did not take long for our excitement of having our first American meal in two weeks of a Chick-fil-A sandwich, waffle fries and sweet iced tea wane due to the realization that we landed in Philly on a Sunday. 

Nevertheless, the "closed on Sundays" rule has remained. Apparently, it hasn't hurt Chick-fil-A as a business. They continue to grow and increase influence through leadership training, Winshape Camps and other ventures.

The Story Most Aren't Hearing

There are stories that hit the news and there are some that never make it on television at 6pm. Here's a good news story in the midst of a tragic event that illustrates that loving our neighbor is still the best policy.

Apparently, last Sunday in Orlando, the local Chick-fil-A opened. However, this operator is not likely to be in trouble. In fact, it seems that Chick-fil-A approved of this special Sunday opening. The opening was unique and in response to the terror attack at The Pulse nightclub.

Here's the story by Lairs Johnston:

Chick-fil-A is famous for two things…chicken sandwiches and controversy.

Like last month when the New York City Mayor urged people to boycott the restaurant because he felt they portrayed a hateful message towards the LGBT community. Well, this past Sunday, a day they’re infamously closed, they decided to do something out of character to help the victims.

Upon hearing the news of the Orlando shooting the restaurant opened its doors and fired up the grill, cooking hundreds of chicken burgers and orders of fries. The only thing is, they didn’t sell any. Instead, they donated everything to the local blood drive where people were gathered to donate and help out the victims of the massacre.

According to the DC Gazette, hundreds of people were fed and even posted about it on social media this past Sunday.

The owners of the popular Christian company have shown Christ in a time of tragedy. They didn’t compromise their beliefs, just showed them by extending love, opening their doors on a day they’re known for staying closed.

“They will know we are Christians by our love”–not for our best friends, not for our families or other Christians, but by how we love those who hurt us and disagree with us.

The Orlando shooting was an attack on the LGBT community. Let us not allow it to turn into more attacks – on the LGBT community, on the Muslim community, on each other.

Does This Really Matter?

Well, truthfully, it's just a local restaurant giving away chicken sandwiches. In the larger scheme of things, maybe it is really not that big a deal. Yet, here's why I believe this is significant. Johnston states it well when he says "They didn't compromise their beliefs, just showed them..."

Not every employee at Chick-fil-A is a Christian. Not everyone who works for the company agrees with the CEOs personal convictions. These are facts that are likely true in every corporation. Chick-fil-A is not really a "Christian company" because only people can be Christians. No restaurant goes to heaven when it finally closes. Yet, the people who work at this local restaurant (and I'm sure there were other restaurants and organizations that provided free meals and drinks as well to those in Orlando) did what Christ modeled. They actually did what the church should.

If you're in Orlando or following the reports focusing on the community, you will notice that many churches and followers of Christ have and are serving those who are hurting. Pray for those who wear the name of Jesus as they seek to love those the culture says they hate. Pray for our churches as they seek to minister and reach those who are hurting and scared and need to know that there is a Way to Life and He is Truth.

Love wins. And that's more than a watered-down hashtag.


Resurrecting the Dead Church

Christians are all about resurrections. At least every Spring when the pastels come out and Easter services are planned. 

When we baptize individuals in our churches, we're declaring a resurrection. In fact, I tell each person I baptize that they are about to preach the most powerful sermon ever. At that point, I tend to get a worried look as the person is thinking "I didn't know I was going to have to preach?!?" Then, I tell them that the very act of believer's baptism is the greatest illustration of life from death. The immersion reminds all who watch that Jesus died and was placed in a tomb  (buried.) When I pull the person back up out of the water, it is a picture of Jesus rising from the dead! What a sermon!

The baptism also shows that the individual died when he/she surrendered to the lordship of Jesus Christ and was raised up a new creature in Christ. Old is gone and the new is here! 

It's a powerful image and I never grow tired of baptizing. 

What About Resurrecting the Church?

But what happens when the local church is in need of resurrection?

The numbers declare the reality - churches have a life-cycle. Based on statistical analysis from the North American Mission Board, over 70 percent of SBC churches are plateaued or declining. While attendance is not the only indicator of health or life, it is a strong one. Even so, as we look across the board, only 10 - 15 percent of our churches can be categorized as healthy and multiplying.

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By the Numbers

  • Across the SBC, we see close to 900 churches close annually
  • Two-thirds of these closures are churches over ten years old
  • Two-thirds of these closures are churches in growing, metro areas
  • The implications for Florida are that we see approximately 65 churches close annually
  • In the Jacksonville area, this means that almost 30 churches could be called "healthy," around 150 "plateaued or declining," and approximately 30 at or near risk of closing

In a meeting with denominational and regional leaders recently, we compared these statistics with known numbers of churches in our area and the data matches. Fortunately, our leaders and engaged churches are not content to see the statistics remain. We are blessed in our region to have wonderfully strategic, godly, and discerning leaders focused on these issues (Thank you - Rick Wheeler and the Jacksonville Baptist Association, especially.) Nevertheless, no denominational strategy will ever be sufficient to turn the tide. Working harder is not the answer. 

We have been able so see some amazing success stories in our city relating to church renewal and revitalization. In most cases, our associational leadership has played the role of broker between churches in the healthy ten percent and those in the bottom grouping. For this we are grateful.

While it is clear that God is moving among churches in Jacksonville and through the Jacksonville Baptist Association, we know that small victories will not shift the 70 percent into the category of "healthy and multiplying."

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Dying Churches Need a Strategic Shift

Many of our churches throughout Jacksonville were launched in the 1950s. They experienced growth and have histories of community engagement and victories. However, in many cases, the best days are decades in the past and the community around the church changed. Unfortunately, some churches have died. Honestly, some needed to die. Yet, I personally hate to see a church turn inward, ignore the gospel, grow calloused and die on the vine, especially in communities that are so in need for a clear, loving, biblically-relevant, gospel witness. 

John Mark Clifton, Lead National Strategist for Revitalization/RePlanting at NAMB, recently wrote a post about the reality of dying churches. In this post (found here), he breaks down the "Signs of a Dying Church" and all should take this to heart:

There is one reason a church dies. The church in Ephesus loved doctrine, they believed the truth, they worked hard, and they endured. But they were doomed to die if they did not return to that which they did at first. The church of Ephesus began with a bang (literally). It was birthed with a passion to reach its community and to make disciples. Over time, however, this passion waned. When a church ceases over a period of time to make disciples who make disciples and realize community transformation, that church will die.

The symptoms of a church near death are many and they include:

  1. They value the process of decision more than the outcome of decision.
  2. They value their preferences over the needs of the unreached.
  3. They have an inability to pass leadership to the next generation.
  4. They cease, often gradually, to be part of the fabric of their community.
  5. They grow dependent upon programs or personalities for growth or stability.
  6. They tend to blame the community for a lack of response and in time grow resentful of the community for not responding as it once did.
  7. They anesthetize the pain of death with over-abundance of activity and maintaining outdated structure.
  8. They confuse caring for the church facility with caring for the church members.

Most church leaders and members of local churches can see how these eight things can happen. In truth, most of us must repent for allowing these things to happen. This isn't rocket science - when we turn inward and focus on that which doesn't matter for eternity and the sake of the gospel, we begin to die. Sure, churches have life-cycles. Seriously, who's talking about the latest great things happening at the Church at Ephesus?

Yet, even with the known "life-cycles" of local churches, it is unhealthy and sinful to ignore that which God has called us to do. Is it possible that 70 percent of SBC churches have unintentionally allowed the worship of the church or the past to keep them from being who God has called them to be? Autonomy is wonderful, but we must not ignore the benefits and gospel-centered strategies (i.e. as exemplified in the book of Acts and Paul's letters) of being Kingdom-focused, community-engaged, partnered (or maybe "cooperating") churches. If the chain is only as strong as its weakest link, there is the possibility that we are only as strong in our community as our weakest church.

So, it's clear that dying churches need a strategic shift, but in many cases, they may not have the personnel or resources to do such. This is why strategic cooperation is so needed. The big church vs. small church battles that have grown in so many areas over the decades must go away. The battle is too grand to spend time focusing on issues that do not matter. So, as we check our egos at the door, we must come together for the sake of the Gospel. Is it possible? Not without divine intervention. 

Some dying churches will refuse to change. In many cases, they will become a local community's new CVS or Walgreens (depending on which corner the other one is built.) While affordable prescription drugs may fill a need for a community, I still believe a sold, Gospel witness will fill a greater need.

Will it be easy? Nope! But, who said ministry was easy?


Why "I Don't Love Him/Her Anymore" Is Not a Valid Reason to End a Marriage

As a pastor, I have had the great privilege of counseling married couples over the years. In some cases, marriages have seemingly been hanging by a thread. Others have experienced great betrayal and pain. Some just need encouragement to press on. Yet, there are some that eventually unravel regardless of counsel and prayer, by the willful decisions made by the offender or the offended.

While there are many reasons (and sometimes just excuses offered) as to why a marriage is over offered by a couple, a very common phrase that I have heard is "I just don't love him/her anymore." And to that, I often respond with "Okay, so now tell me why you think you have a right to end your marriage." And the confused look on the face of the one seeking to leave the marriage reveals that he/she thought the "I don't love my spouse anymore" was a valid reason. 


Years ago, I heard Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott share about the three types of love that are needed for sustaining marriage.  They refer to the findings of Dr. Robert J. Sternberg, a psychologist previously at Yale University and now Professor of Human Development at Cornell University. His "Triangular Theory of Love" postulates that love can be understood in terms of three components that together may be viewed as a triangle.

These three components are passion, intimacy, and commitment.


The Parrotts explain this well this way...

  • Passion – the biological part of love: This it the spine-tingling sensation that moves us toward romance. It starts with our hormones. It’s sensual and sexual, characterized by physiological arousal and an intense desire for affection. The Song of Songs, for example, celebrates the physical love between a man and a woman in passion-filled poetry: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth — for your love is more delightful than wine” (Song of Songs 1:2).
  • Intimacy – the emotional part of love: Love without intimacy is only a hormonal illusion. You can’t desire another person over the long haul without really knowing that person. Intimacy has a “best friend” or “soul mate” quality about it. We all want someone who knows us better than anyone else — and still accepts us. And we want someone who holds nothing back from us, someone who trusts us with personal secrets. Intimacy fills our heart’s deepest longings for closeness and acceptance.
  • Commitment – the willful part of love: Commitment looks toward a future that cannot be seen and promises to be there — until death. “Without being bound to the fulfillment of our promises,” writes philosopher Hannah Arendt, “we would be condemned to wander helplessly in the darkness of each person’s lonely heart.” Commitment creates a small island of certainty in the swirling waters of uncertainty. As the mooring of marriage, commitment secures love for our partner when passion burns low and intimacy wanes. Commitment says, “I love you because you are you, not because of what you do or how I feel.” (full article here)

As I talked to a young couple this week in premarital counseling, I shared this information. I shared that the if you grade these on a scale of 1 - 10, that there are times you will be a 10 out of 10 on the passion scale, but not always. There will be days you are a 10 out of 10 on the intimacy scale, but again, not always. Then, there's the commitment, or willful, scale. There are days you can be 10 out of 10 on this one. The difference is that on this scale, it's your choice. This is the willful determination to love. This is the realization that love is a choice.

So, when a person says "I just don't love him/her anymore" it is a statement of will. It is a choice. It is not a feeling. And, understanding this reality, no man or woman is given biblical grounds for disavowing the "commitment" scale (or to put it another way, to disavow the vow) regarding marital love.

Oh, and by the way, if the husband and wife wake up one day and discover that they're a 10 out of 10 on the commitment scale (which should be every day), a 10 out of 10 on the intimacy scale, and a 10 out of 10 on the passion scale...that's a good day to call in to work and take a personal day. That day is going to be a good, romantic day!


"I Just Can't Forgive Myself" - It's Time for Christians To Retire This Unbiblical Statement

I have heard the statement for as long as I can remember.

In fact, I've probably said it myself.

Often this statement comes when someone is dealing with the conviction of past sin. For Christians, the statement seems normal, but it is far from God's design. 

"I know God has forgiven me. I just can't forgive myself."


Last night, as I led our GriefShare group here at church, the video teaching was focusing upon the uniqueness of grief that people experience. In the midst of the presentation, the reality of false and true guilt was surfaced. There are times that we feel guilty for things we have done, or not done, and cannot seem to get past that. In prayer, we seek forgiveness from God and mentally acknowledge the Bible's statement that our sins are forgiven through Christ when we repent. But, the Accuser is still at work and to disavow the spiritual attacks is dangerous.

Watch this brief segment from the GriefShare session on false guilt and the reality of "forgiving oneself."


You and I do not have the capacity to forgive ourselves. The relief is that we are not expected to do so. Our responsibility is to receive the forgiveness offered from God. When we repent of our sins, following the conviction by the Holy Spirit, God is faithful and just to forgive our sins.

To hold onto that guilt actually is a form of idolatry. It places self on the throne and relegates God to a subservient role.

Even Christians do this.

While not an easy concept to grasp, especially since most of us have heard the "I can't forgive myself" mantra our entire lives (even from Christians, and maybe even from ourselves) it is time to let God have this completely and disavow any false guilt placed upon us from the Enemy.

I Just Wanted to Eat My Donut In Peace

I woke up pretty early this morning with a plan.

Every Wednesday, I lead a boys' mentoring group at one of our local junior high schools. That begins at 8am. It finishes around 9:15am or so and I head to my office at church. I then have a 10:30am Bible study for senior adults each week. These are two highlights of my mid-week. 

So, as is the case on Wednesdays often, I stopped at our local Dunkin' Donuts for a coffee and a French Cruller (an incredibly good donut that is low-calorie because there's so much air inside - well, that's my theory.) The employees see me coming and now, these two items are always waiting. I'm a creature of habit. One of these days, I'm going to mess with them and get a frosted donut. It'll blow their minds!

Dd coffee

Nevertheless, my plan was simple. Drink my coffee. Eat my donut. Sit in a booth, read my Bible app and study for the day's sessions.

Please Leave Me Alone So I Can Do Some Christian Stuff

Everything was going according to plan. I was not seeking to engage anyone in conversation. I simply wanted to be left alone to read. You know, like you feel on an airplane when you just want to read, watch a show on your iPad and not have to talk to the stranger seated next to you. This is why Dr. Dre invented Beats - so you can put on headphones on an airplane. These headphones declare "Leave me alone" to the rest of the passengers.

My Beats are blue, by the way.

Well, as you have probably figured out by now, a woman came into the donut shop. She sat in the booth directly in front of me, and was facing me.


I looked up and it felt like we were sitting at the same booth, especially since there was nothing but empty benches in between us.

I smiled and said "Hello" because that's what nice, Christian guys do.

She said "Hello" back.

Whew! That was close. I thought we'd have to actually talk. Remember... I wanted to be left alone.

Then, this woman asked if I lived near the donut shop and she began talking about the community and how nice, but different it was. She lives on the Westside of Jacksonville and was going to a doctor's appointment in a nearby office. She was just waiting at the donut shop because her taxi picked her up too early.

Oh, she's a single mother with two adult children and a teenager. She is having a tough time and is dealing with fear and worry about some life situations.

How do I know this?

You guessed it. She began to talk to me and I had to listen.

Are You A Christian?

She then said, "Are you a Christian?"

What? Why would she ask this? I'm definitely a Christian, but I wasn't reading my Bible (just the app) and am not wearing anything with Jesus fish or other churchy embroidery on it. I mean, I'm honored she asked and I said, "Yes" unapologetically, but was wondering why she asked.

I thought "I wonder what she thinks about Christians?" and yet, it wasn't going to change my answer.

I then asked, "How did you know I was a Christian?"

She said, "I don't know. I just did."


At this point, I figured I was all in on this potential divine encounter. In other words, I thought "Okay, God. I get it." 

I closed my iPad and asked her "Are you a Christian?"

She answered "Yes" and then moved into my booth.

That was unexpected and caused me a little discomfort.

Are You a Preacher?

She then asked, "Are you a preacher?"

Oh boy, now I'm caught. Do I look like a preacher? I don't slick my hair back (don't have enough to do that). I don't talk with a preacher voice. I didn't say "sister" or "amen" every other phrase. I am wearing a golf shirt and khakis. I looked like a Best Buy employee. I didn't even have the traditional preacher uniform on (I knew I should've worn my Chuck Taylors today).

I answered "Yes" and discovered that apparently caused her relief.

Nonetheless, we talked for about fifteen minutes. She shared her story a bit. I stated that I had to leave to go to the junior high. Then we prayed. We prayed for strength and for power. We prayed for the worry that had overtaken her that led to an unhealthy fear and stress would be relieved by God's Spirit. We prayed over her children. 

Then I said, "Good-bye."

I don't share this to say "Hey look at me. I did a good Christian thing."

I share this because I intently did NOT want to engage anyone in conversation. I wanted to just go through my routine. I wanted to read my Bible, not talk to someone about the Bible. I wanted to eat my French Cruller (well, I did to that) and drink my coffee in peace.

And then she showed up.

And then God nudged me as if to say "This is why you're here right now."

I wonder how many times I miss the moment? I wonder how many times my routine reigns in my life so I can just get through another day? I wonder how she knew I was a Christian, much less a pastor? I wonder where I can go to eat a donut in peace? Ha ha.

Nevertheless, I was reminded of this verse...

But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect. 1 Peter 3:15 (ESV)

So friends. Be ready. Oh, and if someone says "You look like a Christian" that hopefully, is a good thing (unless their idea of a Christian is some warped caricature. In that case, just be real and change that perspective.)

Is Divorce a Viable Option If You "Fall Out of Love"?

I have had numerous conversations with friends regarding reasonings for divorce. In most cases, these are believers seeking biblical grounds for stepping out their marriage vows. More often than not, those asking the questions have already read the references in Scripture but have come to me hoping for some other options or perhaps some "secret understanding" that is not evident in the clearly written words on the pages of their Bibles.


Perhaps one of the most confusing and frustrating reasons offered to me sounds like this. . .

I believe God wants me to divorce my spouse because I just don't love him/her anymore.

The discussion goes on (normally a one-sided one at this point) with justifications categorized by phrases such as "I've fallen out of love." 

Though the reasoning reeks of self-centeredness and personal justification, I seek to answer in a winsome and truth-laced way. I shudder at the "fallen out of love" defense. Since love is more than an emotional reaction and is better defined as a choice, to "fall out of love" simply means that the spouse in question doesn't seem to elicit the sweaty palms, fluttering heartbeats, and other emotional responses that were present during the days of courtship.

In some cases, it is politically correct way to say "My spouse doesn't look as sexy as they used to." Those making these veiled claims often appear to have misplaced their mirrors as well, since time seems to change all our outward appearances. 

Nevertheless, there are more often than not, deeply spiritual wounds revealed in such discussions. Lauren Chandler (author and wife of Pastor Matt Chandler of The Village Church) recently was interviewed on this subject by The Gospel Coalition. Her brief video response is laced with wisdom and worth viewing.


Is Divorce Ever An Option?

Well, yes, divorce is an option. With the numbers of divorces happening in our nation regularly, it is clearly a viable option for all couples. There are even instances when divorce is an allowable biblical option. 

The issue here is more than finding reasons to divorce, but in addressing this particular reason.

Love is a choice and that choice is not always easy. However, it is always right.

Husbands, remember that you have been commanded to love your wives. There is no dancing around this.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27 (ESV)

Wives, the command for you is to respect your husbands. Yes, there are times they are not worthy of that respect. True. However, there are likely times that love is not deserved from your husbands, either. It appears that this is a choice as well.

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33 (ESV)


Yeah, it seems cut-and-dried, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Lauren gives wise counsel in her video and while it is clear that God has high expectations for the man and woman who unite in holy matrimony, the Bible never says that living as husband and wife is easy.

Remember, God loves you and he loves your spouse as well. Marriage is his idea and this union between man and woman  is his image of his connection between Christ and the church. Jesus chooses to love his church. The church should submit to Jesus' lordship and respect him as such. Oh, there's so much more to discuss in this.

For now, let's just retire the "I've fallen out of love" defense. It's weak and wrong.

When the Church Grieves

I have just received another text message from one of our Leadership Team Pastors about a death in our extended church family. There are seasons (and this seems to be one) when it seems that far too many members of our church family are grieving the loss of loved ones. Over the past month there have been numerous parents, grandparents, spouses, siblings and close friends who have died. Each family member grieves differently. The loss of a loved one after a long bout with illness and difficulty, while seemingly non-surprising is no less traumatic for the family members.

Grief comes from many areas. Death is just one. There is the grief of a lost relationship, a breakup, or divorce. There is the grief experienced by parents when children wander from the faith and family. There are numerous others and in each case the sadness may seem overwhelming.



Men and Women in the Bible Grieved

We all know that grief is not a new emotion or phenomena. Biblical men and women grieved great loss and we have the narrative to show that. Whether it be Old Testament characters such as Job, Naomi, Hannah, or David or New Testament ones such as Mary, John, the disciples, and even Christ, grief is very human and a part of our journey.

In his book, Experiencing Grief, H. Norman Wright shares the following:

One step in overcoming grief is having the right perspective on it. First, we recognize that grief is a natural response to pain and loss. There is nothing wrong with grieving. Second, we know that times of grief serve a purpose. Ecclesiastes 7:2 says, “It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.” This verse implies that grief can be good because it can refresh our perspective on life. Third, we remember that feelings of grief are temporary. “Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5). There is an end to mourning. Grief has its purpose, but it also has its limit.

Through it all, God is faithful. There are many Scriptures that remind us of God’s faithfulness in times of mourning. He is with us even in the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23:4). When David sorrowed, he prayed this in Psalm 56:8: “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?” (ESV). The touching image of God catching our tears is full of meaning. He sees our grief and does not disdain it. Like Jesus entered into the grief of the mourners in Bethany, God enters into our grief. At the same time, He reassures us that all is not lost. Psalm 46:10 reminds us to “be still” and rest in the knowledge that He is God. He is our refuge (Psalm 91:1-2). He works all things together for the good of those He has called (Romans 8:28).

An important part of overcoming grief is expressing it to God. The Psalms contain numerous examples of pouring out one’s heart to God. Interestingly, the psalmist never ends where he began. He may start a psalm with expressions of grief, but, almost invariably, he will end it with praise (Psalm 13; Psalm 23:4; Psalm 30:11-12;Psalm 56). God understands us (Psalm 139:2). When we commune with Him, we are able to open our minds to the truth that He loves us, that He is faithful, that He is in control, and that He knows how He is going to work it out for our good.

Another important step in overcoming grief is to share it with others. The body of Christ is designed to ease the burdens of its individual members (Galatians 6:2), and fellow believers have the ability to “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). Often, the grieving tend to shun others, increasing feelings of isolation and misery. It is much healthier to seek counseling, and group settings can be invaluable. Groups offer listening ears and helpful encouragement, camaraderie, and guidance in working through the grief. When we share our stories with God and others, our grief is lessened.

Sadly, grief is part of the human experience. Loss is part of life, and grief is a natural response to loss. But we have the hope of Christ, and we know that He is strong enough to carry our burdens (Matthew 11:30). We can give our hurt to Him because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7). We can find solace in the Holy Spirit, our Comforter and Paraclete (John 14:16). In grief, we cast our burdens on Him, rely on the community of the church, delve into the truth of the Word, and ultimately experience hope (Hebrews 6:19-20).

As our family grieves, we grieve with them. This is much more than feeling sorry for someone and showing sympathy. We empathize with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Some feel so inadequate in offering ministry during these times. In truth, we should all feel inadequate in our own strength. Sometimes, the best ministry help offered is the ministry of presence. It is not the words said, but the presence of being there. 

To Our Family Members Who Are Grieving...

From your pastor and church - "We grieve with you and pray that you will receive what God alone can offer you during these moments - the peace that passes understanding and a comfort that is indescribable." 

There Are No "Participation Trophies" in Life

James Harrison of the Pittsburgh Steelers made headlines earlier this year when he took his children's "participation" trophies away and returned them. Some decried this as mean-spirited. Others celebrated the move as something that many parents should be doing.

Here's Harrison's Instagram explaining why the trophies would be returned (and were according to later reports.)


More recently, he posted this update about his boys and their trophies (earned this time.)

 Perhaps that is the genesis for this trending commercial for Kia. 




Since we now have a generation that has been rewarded with trophies that are unearned (and likely collecting dust in their rooms on top of shelves) we must address how this impacts faith development and the understanding of eternity. For Boomers or Gen Xers to blame Millennials for their apparent desire to be gifted a trophy for just showing up is short-sighted. I mean, who started giving out the trophies any way?

Haydn Shaw, in his book Sticking Points: How to Get 4 Generations Working Together in the 12 Places They Come Apart, he shares this account:

A participant in a seminar I led told me about his experience with another parent whose child was on the same youth soccer team: "After our team was beaten soundly in a game, the other child's mother said we should make a 'parent bridge' for the players to run through as they come off the field to get their treats. Mostly joking, I said that as badly as the boys had played, we should just turn our backs and let them get their own treats. The mother was appalled. I asked her, when her son is thirty years old, still living at home, and unable to find a job, if she and her husband will make a bridge, cheer, and give him a juice box for trying his best? I don' think she thought I was funny."

When it comes to eternity, it is unfortunate that many (of all generations) will find themselves standing before Christ, expecting to be ushered into heaven, only to be told "I don't know you?"

That's not just some mythical fairy-tale story. For those of us who believe the Word of God to be true and take this Story seriously, there is a reality regarding the "end of life" trophies. Jesus speaks clearly about this here in Matthew's Gospel account:

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’" Matthew 7:21-23 (ESV)

While eternity is a given for all, a home in heaven is only assured for children of God. Children of God are those who have been adopted into His forever family. That adoption comes through receiving Jesus Christ as Lord and surrendering to Him. Only children of the Father get a "trophy." And, it's not a participation trophy. It's a "crown of righteousness" for those who have overcome the world. The great thing about this trophy is that it has already been paid for and secured. You receive it as victors and you can only be a victor if you're "on the team."